Upon the Hijacking of Figaro
by Antismurf Lord of Darkness
Summary: FFVI.  THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FFVI.  The whole crew returns for a ridiculous adventure of epic proportions.  Rated T for language and mild violence.
1. The Sabotage of Figaro

_So here is my first delve into the realm of Final Fantasy fanfiction. I hope that you enjoy._

_I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places._

_Four years since the world was destroyed and a new god reinstated. Three years since that god was defeated and his empire fell to dust. Now is that time. People have finally recovered from that time that seemed so long ago. And it all shall fall apart again. A new evil rises from the east. It comes, cloaked in darkness, seeking revenge. It thirsts for the blood of those who defeated Kefka for reasons of its own. It is a terror that is so utterly terrifying, that it could only have one name. No other name could suit it. Not Sephiroth. Not Kefka. Not even Chaos. No, the name of this beast, destined to throw the world once again into dismay, prepared to spill the blood of millions of innocents to achieve its goal, is Phillip._

**In the engine room of Figaro Castle**

"Oy, Biggs!" called one of the guards. "Did you get the coffee yet?"

"No Wedge," Biggs said, "King Edgar still hasn't allowed us to have a coffee-maker down here. You're going to have to wait until we switch shifts."

"Damn," Wedge muttered. How he hated guarding the engine. It wasn't like anything ever happened down here anyways, unless some stupid kid wanted to see how it worked. And Biggs just made it worse, since whenever Wedge tried to start a conversation, Biggs would start lecturing him about duty and distractions. Crap like that. And then there was no coffee. The engine room sucked.

"So King Edgar went out to South Figaro for the day?" Biggs asked.

What was this? Was Biggs trying to start a conversation? It was a miracle. He would have to write this down in his diary. Well the diary that he most definitely did not own. He was a man, and was far too manly to own a diary. He owned a journal. Yes, a far more manly choice. "Yeah, I guess he's gonna christen some new trading vessel or something."

"Interesting." And that was what Biggs thought a conversation was. Wedge sighed. Someday he would have to teach Biggs what a real conversation was. He figured that now was as good of a time as any.

"You here about the last advisor that King Edgar had?"

"No, was it female?" Biggs asked. Holy behemoth crap, he was actually responding.

"Nah, actually, it has nothing to do with King Edgar," Wedge told Biggs. "He started saying large words to Sabin, so Sabin, not knowing what the advisor was saying, figured that he was insulting him and punched the advisor straight through a wall. Turns out that the poor guy was just complimenting on his muscles." Wedge started laughing.

"Interesting," Biggs responded. "Oh, and you used the wrong hear earlier. You said 'here' like 'I am here' rather than 'hear' like 'I hear you'." Silence. Damn this Biggs! Wedge believed that he had had better conversations with Shadow. Well, perhaps not, but it came close. Shadow had grunted once. Or maybe that had been the dog that grunted. Could dogs grunt? He hadn't the slightest idea. It was time to bring out the big guns.

"Did you ever think that you would get killed just because your name is Biggs?" Wedge asked.

"No, why would I think that?"

"Well, I don't know. I get this weird feeling sometimes that just because my name is Wedge, that I'm gonna be killed. It's the weirdest feeling. It's like some higher power just decided that guys whose names are Wedge have to get killed."

"You see, this is what always happens!" Biggs scolded. "You try to start some stupid conversation about something that is absolutely ridiculous and distract the both of us from our duty! One of these days, a terrorist is going to waltz right in here and blow up all of Figaro Castle while you are distracting me!" And here it happened again. He said something remotely wrong, and Biggs had to go and blow up on him. Typical Biggs. Nothing had changed. Until something did.

"You hear that, Biggs?" Wedge said after a few minutes.

"Hear what?"

"Guess you didn't. Probably nothing." Another few minutes of silence passed by, and then Figaro Castle's engine started. "They testing it today?" Wedge asked.

"They didn't tell me that they were, but they must be," Biggs replied. "Can't think of any other explanation."

"Odd, didn't see any of the mechanics pass by."

"Then you're not doing your job."

"Did you?"

Biggs was silent. Suddenly the castle started to shake as though it were preparing to go underground. "You'd think that they'd tell us; they usually do," Wedge muttered. Then alarms started to sound throughout the castle, and they could hear running feet above them. Finally things clicked in Wedge's head. "They aren't testing the engines are they?"

"No, I don't think so," Biggs answered. His eyes instantly widened. "Damn!" Biggs shouted as he grabbed his spear and ran towards the engine. Wedge soon followed. The control panel was down a small hallway, where whoever this was must be. Only whoever must be there wasn't there. "Show yourself!" Biggs demanded.

Wedge's eyes widened in fear as he realized that the buttons appeared to be pushing themselves. "Uh, Biggs?" Wedge squeaked.

"What!" Biggs snapped. He suddenly lurched forwards and slammed into a wall, falling down unconscious.

"G-g-g-g-ghost!" Wedge screamed. "Kefka's ghost is here for revenge!"

"Not Kefka," said a raspy voice, "Phillip." Wedge's vision went black as some force hit him in the head.

**Aboveground in Figaro Castle**

"Everyone get out!" Sabin yelled. "We're being sabotaged!" Panicking people ran all around him. Why did Edgar have to be gone today of all days? People didn't seem to be listening to anything that he said, no matter how hard he punched them. Why couldn't all problems be solved with brute force? Unless…

"Sorry miss," Sabin said to the screaming woman he was about to hurl out of the castle gates. "Now stay out there!" he yelled as he rushed to grab more people. Eventually people got the idea that if they didn't remove themselves from the castle, Sabin would, so they began to neatly file out, and by neatly file, it is obviously meant that they rushed out in such a way that Sabin could not even hold them back.

The mob crowded in front of the castle and looked on disbelievingly as it sank into the sand.

"Is everyone accounted for?" Sabin asked. Everyone but two guards had made it out of the castle it seemed. The fate of those two guards was unknown. "I hope Edgar won't be mad."

**Figaro Desert; the same day**

Edgar and his entourage were quite confused. Where Figaro Castle should have been were a mob of people. Edgar could easily pick out his twin, Sabin in the crowd, so these were no nomads. Something must be wrong.

Edgar ran over to Sabin and asked quickly, "What happened!"

Sabin turned around to see his brother. "Oh thank Shiva, you're back. I don't know how, but Figaro was sabotaged!"

"Sabotaged?" Edgar looked confused.

"Yeah, sabotaged!"

"But it simply seems to not be here. I don't know what you're saying. How was Figaro Castle sabotaged?"

"I told you that I didn't know!" shouted a frustrated Sabin. "Someone just up and took it!"

"They took it," Edgar confirmed.

"Yes! I've been saying that the whole time!"

Edgar face-palmed, sighed and shook his head. "Hijacked, not sabotaged."

"What?" Sabin said; now it was his turn to be confused.

"Figaro Castle was hijacked, not sabotaged."

"How would you know, you weren't even here!"

"If Figaro Castle was taken, it was hijacked, not sabotaged."

"Oh." Sabin was silent for a moment. "Edgar! Figaro Castle was hijacked!"

"Yes Sabin, I know," Edgar said with an exasperated sigh.

"Well, now you know 'cause I just told you!"

"Sure, whatever."

Sabin looked quizzically at Edgar. "Why aren't you freaking out or something?"

"I don't know Sabin, I really don't have a clue." He then pulled out a small cellphone and began dialing on it.

"I didn't know that those things existed yet," Sabin mentioned (referring to the cellphone).

"Neither did I."

"Who you gonna call?"

"Ghostbusters, but they don't exist here, so Setzer will have to do." Edgar waited for a minute and then started speaking into the phone. "Yes, Setzer?... This is Edgar… Yeah, I'm fine in a sense… No I didn't know that I had a cellphone either, would have made things with Kefka a lot easier… Yeah, I wanted to ask you a favor… Pick up everyone you can find and get them to South Figaro desert within a week… Tell you later… See ya… Bye."

* * *

_If you have time, please review._


	2. The Gathering

_So here I am again with chapter 2. This is a ridiculously long chapter that can also be named "Revenge of the Dialogue". I must ask you to keep in mind as you read this chapter that this is a parody. Any and all characters that you love may be skewed horribly. I am not responsible for any permanent damage that is caused. Hope that you enjoy!_

_I still don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places. Maybe next time..._

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Gathering**

**Somewhere in Figaro Castle**

Eventually, Biggs registered that he was alive. He hadn't the slightest clue why he would think that he was dead in the first place (other than the splitting pain in his head), but he was certain that he was alive.

Then he remembered. The engine. The hijack. The ghost. Wedge being a dumbass. It all came back. "Freakin' Wedge," he muttered. It was obviously all Wedge's fault. While Wedge had distracted him with his habit he called 'conversation', the… the… the whatever must have snuck in.

"What did you just say?" came a voice. Wedge. Apparently he was alive too.

Biggs finally opened his eyes. Nothing seemed to have changed; they were still in the engine room, the engine was running. Also, neither Wedge nor Biggs were tied up, just leaned up against a wall. "Nothing," Biggs replied, "I didn't say anything."

"So you're awake?" The raspy voice said. Biggs nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked around and still saw nothing. The voice laughed.

"If you're not Kefka's ghost, then who are you?" Biggs demanded.

"I'm no ghost. I already told you that my name is Phillip."

"Heh!" Wedge laughed. "If you're not a ghost then what are you, invisible?" Wedge seemed to think that this was extremely funny and started laughing. Only he got no reply and no one else was laughing. "Oh, you are invisible. But there's no magic, that's impossible!"

"I don't need magic to be invisible," Phillip said, "I just am."

"Uh, while you're down here, I have a quick question," Biggs said. "Is there a reason that you didn't tie us up or kill us? I just find it odd that we're taken captive and nothing is put in place to try and restrain us." Wedge looked at him as though he must be joking.

"I can't tie knots," Phillip answered.

"Well if you want, I could teach you," Biggs offered. Now Wedge face-palmed and shook his head.

"No, you don't understand, I can't physically tie knots. I don't have any thumbs. I have paws."

There was silence, and then Biggs finally asked, "What are you?"

"You wouldn't know even if I told you."

* * *

**Somewhere in Figaro Desert**

"Hey look!" yelled Sabin. "It's the _Pigeon_!"

"The what?" Edgar asked.

"The _Pigeon_!" Sabin pointed to the airship that was flying towards the desert.

"No Sabin, that's the _Falcon_," Edgar sighed. "Setzer flies an airship called the _Falcon_."

"Oh… Hey look, it's the _Falcon_!"

"We know, Sabin. We know." It was a beautiful sight. After three days of waiting in the desert, Setzer had finally arrived. The _Falcon _landed not too far away from the group, bringing up massive clouds of dust. After awhile, the engine finally stopped and a man with the stupidest looking black coat stepped off of the airship.

"There had better be a freakin' good reason for this," the airship pilot muttered. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find all of these people? It took me three bloody days! I haven't slept in three bloody days!"

"Uh, sorry about that…" Edgar said awkwardly. "Well, it's good to see you anyways. How long has it been?"

"Not long enough. Hey, where the hell is that castle of yours? Is that why you brought us here? You lost your freakin' castle! Aw dammit, everyone back on the ship! We just wasted three days of our lives. Oh, and Locke, you owe me fifty gil."

"No!" cried Edgar. "Please don't leave! We didn't lose Figaro Castle. Actually-"

"Figaro was sabotaged!" Sabin interrupted.

"Sabotaged?" Setzer asked.

"No, Sabin, it was hijacked," Edgar attempted to correct.

"You're wrong, it was most definitely sabotaged. You told me yourself!"

"No, Sabin it's the other way around! Setzer don't listen to him, he's hopeless."

"Well which one is it?" Setzer practically yelled in annoyance. "Was the damn castle hijacked or sabotaged? Oh, and Mog, I'm putting 75 gil on hijacked."

Then half of the Figaro population yelled out, "HIJACKED!" as Sabin stubbornly stuck with sabotaged.

Setzer sighed. "Of course you two idiots would get your castle stolen. I suppose I'll stay then, but it better be a good story. Everyone! You can come off now."

Terra was the first off the ship. She looked basically normal, except she appeared very confused. "Um, Setzer?" she asked. "What emotion was it?"

"Happiness. You're supposed to be happy."

"And I'm supposed to…"

"Smile, jump around, hug people you haven't seen in awhile…"

"Oh, right!" Terra then put on a large (and almost disturbing) smile and ran over to Sabin and hugged him. Unfortunately, Sabin's return hug (a gentle hug in his opinion) caused her to fall over unconscious.

Edgar glared at Sabin. "You did that on purpose didn't you?" Edgar grumbled. "Can't let me get a hug from the pretty girl, can you?"

Next off of the airship came/rolled Mog, followed by Umaro. "Mog!" cried Sabin. "What happened to you?"

"Grobble grubble gooble kupo," the fat drunken moogle replied.

"He was introduced to lard and alcohol," Setzer answered. "If you've ever heard his theme music, you would have seen it coming eventually."

"Gorbus gostrol golut kupo!" Mog tried to explain.

"Shut up Mog," Setzer ordered. At this obvious display of rudeness to his friend, Umaro immediately picked Setzer up and threw him through the _Falcon_'s hull. This was when Edgar noticed that Umaro was holding an abacus.

"Umaro, what are you doing with an abacus?" he asked.

At that time, Relm decided to skip down out of the _Falcon_ and answer, "Didn't you know? Umaro became a mathematician. He works for the Dragon Neck Coliseum calculating odds and doing other weird stuff with math."

But Edgar heard nothing of what the young teenager said, for he was captivated by what he called her beauty. "Oh Miss Relm, you're even more beautiful than you were the last time we met. It nearly blinds me!"

Relm was silent for a moment and then asked, "How old are you?"

"If you wish to know, my angel, I am thirty-five."

"Sorry then, Grandpa told me to never talk to strangers-"

"But Miss Relm, I am not a stranger to you!"

"-and to talk even less to pedophiles."

"What!" Edgar shouted. "I am not… I couldn't be… I am not a pedo… Not a pe… do… phi… How old are you?"

"Less than half your age and still legally a minor."

"Oh shit."

Strago conveniently chose this moment to hobble off of the airship. "What's wrong with you boy?" he scolded. "Such language in front of a child? I remember back when men had decency and manners. In fact, it was back in 1786, when the litwor chickens were taking over."

"That's impossible," Sezter said as he climbed out of the hole that he had made, "1786 hasn't happened yet."

"What're you talkin' about youngin'?"

"I'm saying that 1786 hasn't happened yet," he told Strago. "It's currently 1492."

"Yeah," Sabin agreed, "when Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

"Wrong universe, but you get my point. There's still more than two hundred years to go until 1786."

"There was a 1786 before!" Strago said defensively. "Ya know, when the numbers went backwards instead of forwards."

"Yeah, there was 1786 QG, but you'd have to be over three thousand years old to have lived then."

"Who says that I'm not!"

"Well then how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four!" Strago said stubbornly.

"My point exactly."

Strago hobbled over and poked the gambling pilot in the chest and hissed, "That proves nothin'!"

Next to come off of the ship was Gau, who was not wearing his usual animal skins, but something that looked more like formal Doman garb. Behind him, he dragged what looked like Cyan curled up in the fetal position. "Hallo Freunde!" Gau exclaimed. "Unglaublich, ist es eine sehr lange Zeit gewesen, seit ich Sie zuletzt sah. Vier vollständige Jahre, kann ich ihm nicht glauben! Wie haben Sie getan? Traurig für was…"

"He's possessed by Kefka!" screamed Sabin. "Kill him!"

"No!" yelled Setzer to the charging man-bear, "Stop! Don't hurt him!" Miraculously, Sabin actually stopped. "He's not possessed," Setzer tried to explain, "he just speaks a different language now. What was it again?"

"German," Relm piped in.

"Ah yes, German."

"German?" Sabin said, confused, "What kind of language is that? A language from a country called Germ?"

"Exactly," Setzer told him. "Good job, have a cookie."

"Really?"

"Yes, it would make sense that a language called German would come from a country called Germ or something similar, like Germania or Germopolis. We're not sure of its origin. The country probably doesn't exist anymore. The kid just kind of started speaking the language one day."

"No, I mean about the cookie, can I really have a cookie?"

Setzer seemed puzzled and then said, "Wha-… What? No, you can't have a cookie unless you have one of your own."

Sabin pouted and grumbled, "Lying bastard."

Gogo then came off of the ship, mimicking Gau's actions perfectly and dragging a sack of potatoes behind him (to represent Cyan). "Hallo Freunde!" Gogo exclaimed. "Unglaublich, ist es eine sehr lange Zeit gewesen, seit ich Sie zuletzt sah. Vier vollständige Jahre, kann ich ihm nicht glauben! Wie haben Sie getan? Traurig für was…"

"He's possessed by Kefka!" screamed Sabin. "Kill him!"

"No!" yelled Setzer to the charging man-bear, "Stop! Don't hurt him!" Miraculously, Sabin actually stopped. "He's not possessed," Setzer tried to explain, "he just speaks a different language now. What was it again?"

"German," Relm piped in.

"Ah yes, German."

"German?" Sabin said, confused, "What kind of language is that? A language from a country called Germ?"

"Exactly," Setzer told him. "Good job, have a cookie."

"Really?"

"Yes, it would make sense that a language called German would come from a country called Germ or something similar, like Germania or Germopolis. We're not sure of its origin. The country probably doesn't exist anymore. The kid just kind of started speaking the language one day."

"No, I mean about the cookie, can I really have a cookie?"

Setzer seemed puzzled and then said, "Wha-… What? No, you can't have a cookie unless you have one of your own."

Sabin pouted and grumbled, "Lying bastard." (and yes, that was copy/pasted. Gogo's just that good)

"Actually," Gogo chimed in a voice that I believe was supposed to resemble that of a goblin, "I've just been mimicking the boy the whole time. I can still speak English."

"Oh son of a bitch!" Setzer snapped. "You really had me fooled you slimey little mime."

"It is not like thou has not tricked me as well," said Cyan in a very shaky voice.

"Are you still going on about that?" Setzer asked, exhasperated.

"Thou led me to believe that the ship flew by magic!" Cyan shouted. "Thou told me nothing of machines!"

"Why can't you just keep believing about the magic?"

"Magic works not anymore!"

Setzer sighed. "Come on, you don't have to be afraid of it. It's just a couple of moving gears. They've kept us alive for years, remember?"

"But the machines," Cyan whimpered, "they… they shall devour me." Everyone became silent at that. Even Edgar was knocked out of his horrified thoughts of his accusation.

"Alright, I'm going to choose to ignore that last sentence so that I can still hold some respect for you," Setzer stated.

After a minute or two of more silence, Edgar asked, "So, um… you didn't find Locke or Celes?"

"Oh no, I did," Setzer replied, "they're just off somewhere making out in a closet. You probably won't see much of them."

"Oh, I see," Edgar said as he mentally strangled Locke for taking the only normal woman in that group that was of an acceptable age for him to flirt with.

Sabin then noticed something odd. "Hey Relm," he called, "where's Interceptor?"

"Oh, him? He's with Shadow now," she said cheerily.

"With… Shadow?" It only took Sabin a minute before he realized what this meant. "Oh no, I'm so sorry." He walked over and patted the young artist on the shoulder. "Believe it or not, I know what you're going through. Back when I was little, I had this teddy bear that I named Mr. Fluff. I loved him so much and I sparred with him every day. But then, one day when I was sparring, I punched him a little too hard and… and…" Sabin was then silent.

"Psst," whispered Edgar to Relm, "He wants you to ask 'what happened?'"

"Oh, uh," Relm said, sounding uninterested, "what happened?"

"His head exploded," Sabin told them sadly.

"Okay," said Relm, who was unsympathetic in any way. "Come here Interceptor!" she called. Within seconds, Interceptor came running off of the airship, went out of his way to viciously tackle Setzer to the ground, and then sit down in front of Relm, happily wagging his tail.

"What!" exclaimed a confused Sabin. "You said that he was with Shadow and Shadow is-"

"Right behind you," the assassin finished. The next few moments included much yelling, cursing, and murder attempts by the Figaro brothers on the seemingly undead Shadow. Once Shadow was done tying the two up, he looked down at them and simply said, "You guys are assholes."

"_We_ are!" Edgar exclaimed. "What about you? Last time that I saw you, you were in a giant super-tower _that was falling down!_ You should be dead a thousand times over!"

"If I want to live, I'll live," Shadow said.

"Could have fooled me," Edgar muttered.

"I wanted to die and then I didn't."

"Just curious," Sabin inquired, "what made you come back?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you suddenly want to live?"

Shadow hadn't thought about this in a while. He looked to the ground and remembered…

_Initiating Flashback Sequence…_

_**Kefka's Tower as it was collapsing**_

"_Baram… It looks like I can finally stop running… Come and find me all right?" And those were to be my last words. I refused to even scream as thousands of tons of debris crushed my body. But then I remembered someone that needed taking care of. Not Interceptor, Relm would take good care of him. Not Relm, Strago would take good care of her. Not Strago, that old wrinkle-bag could go and rot in Hell for all I cared. No, there was someone, or more a group of someones that would not be cared for if I went._

_My fuzzy stuffed moogle collection kept at the Dragon Neck Coliseum. Who would keep them safe? Who would squeeze them to keep them soft? Who would periodically change their outfits so that they could wear a fresh, clean pair of clothes while I washed the others? Only I could, since I was the only one who knew where they were hidden. I had to survive, for them. I quickly devised a way out…_

**Figaro Desert**

"I forgot to kill someone that I was supposed to kill," Shadow answered. Then his eyes made the face that told everyone that he probably would not speak another word for a good week or two, making it impossible to get any more answers from him.

Edgar deemed that Shadow was a lost cause and turned to Setzer. "So," Edgar began, addressing the gambler, "you actually got everyone. Impressive."

"Yeah," Setzer said, "and I got 700 gil out of it too. Ya see, I made a bet with one of my assistants."

"What do we do now?" asked Relm. "I'm getting bored."

"Well, first we wait for Terra to wake up, and then we plan."

"Groß!" Gau exclaimed. "Dieses wird ein erstaunliches Abenteuer sein. Alle wir zusammen wieder nach so vielen Jahren, das größte Übel gegenüberstellend, um zu gehen der Planet seit Kefka! Ich kann nicht zu warten-"

"Yeah, Gau," Setzer interrupted, "Shut up."

And those were the heroes destined to save the earth again. Bahamut help them.

* * *

_Forgive me, I don't actually know the German language, so you might notice some glaring grammatical errors. I just punched paragraphs into online translators._

_Please don't hurt me, this is still a parody (I'm looking at you, Shadow fans)._

_Please review if you have the time._


	3. The Meeting

_Heh, heh. Sorry for the wait. I'm such a terrible person. Also, for comedy's sake (and the fact that I don't feel like changing a rather glaring error) blue magic still exists, since it comes from creatures who were clearly allowed to use magic even when no one believed it existed. I'm going to use that as an excuse to say that it wasn't really magic in the first place (even though it clearly was)._

_I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places._

_Please review if you have the time._

* * *

**Chapter 3 – The Greatest and Most Unnecessary Meeting of All Time**

**Somewhere in Figaro Castle-**

"I bet that you're not really invisible," Biggs reasoned. "You're just a ninja."

"I'm not a ninja, I really am invisible," Phil said, now clearly beginning to get irritated with the hostage.

"I've got it! You're Shadow, aren't you?"

"Quit it Biggs!" Wedge shouted. _The little shit won't talk to me at all when we're on the job, but just bring in a maniac who steals mechanical castles and he'll never shut up!_ "Two reasons: one is that Phillip sounds like he's gettin' pretty pissed off with you and will probably kill us both if ya don't shut up. Two is that if Phillip doesn't kill you, I will!"

Miraculously, Biggs did not respond. "Thanks," Phillip said to Wedge.

"No problem. He may be all book-smart, but he doesn't know any of the important stuff." Again, Biggs didn't say anything. "So, just curious, why'd you take the castle anyways? It's not like you can do a whole lot with it."

Phillip was silent for so long that Wedge believed that he had left. Then Phillip said in a low voice, "It's a lure so that I can destroy those who destroyed my people."

Gears began to turn in Wedge's head. He imagined that it looked a lot like the castle's engine. "Ya know, Kefka's already dead."

"Not Kefka, but those who killed him."

_Those who killed Kefka? King Edgar! _"What! There's no way that they could have destroyed your people! They're not those kind of guys! Well, unless you're one of Kefka's min-"

"I am not a minion of Kefka!" Phillip interrupted.

"Oh, okay sorry. You sure that you're after the right guys?" The question was met with silence. Wedge was suddenly lifted into the air by an invisible force. Moments later, Biggs was lifted as well. "Hey! What're you doing?"

"Taking you to the engine. You're going to do me a favor."

"Huh?" Wedge began to panic. _Oh shit, he's gonna throw us in! I shouldn't have mentioned Kefka. Damn, I really screwed it up this time!_ Both Wedge and Biggs stuggled, but it was no use. Within minutes both were looking down into a sea of machinery that could render their bodies unrecognizable in seconds.

**Around the blackjack table of the**_** Falcon**_**-**

"So you turned this one into a casino too?" Edgar asked.

"Hm, let's see," Setzer sarcastically began, "there's a blackjack table here, a couple slot machines over there… No, I turned this into a children's playground."

Terra's eyes lit up. "Really? Could you stop at Mobliz sometime? I'm sure that the children would love it here!" The others around the table began awkwardly shuffling and looking at one another, hoping that they wouldn't have to spill the beans to the naïve girl.

"Er, no," Setzer said. "It's called sarcasm. What I said isn't what I meant."

Terra's shoulders slumped and her eyes filled with disappointment. "So it's lying?" she asked.

"No! Not at all. Lying is completely different."

"Oh," Terra said, looking somewhat disappointed.

After a brief silence, Edgar stood up and looked around. "Is everyone here?" he asked. "Where's Mog?" Everyone else looked to each other and shrugged. "Never mind, it's not like he was ever very useful. Anyways, how are we supposed to get Figaro Castle back?"

"Younguns," Strago spat. "I remember the days when we were loyal to our friends and we respected moogles."

"Grandpa," Relm chimed, "didn't you tell me once that moogles were a delicacy back in your days?" Umaro gasped at this, or at least that's what everyone assumed that the noise that emerged from the yeti was. Had Umaro not been there, most of the group would have believed it to be an exploding tonberry.

"Yeah, well at least we mercilessly slaughtered and devoured them with respect!" Silence followed Strago's declaration. More awkward shuffling ensued.

"So…" Edgar tried to start again, "what about Figaro Castle?"

"Ich hatte wirklich einige Ideen von, wie wir von hier gut fortfahren sollten. Zuerst sollten wir zu versuchen-" Gau began.

"Hey!" Setzer interrupted, slamming his hand on the table. "You're not helping! Go take your bloody Germs somewhere else why don't ya!"

"Aber ich versuchte zu helfen!" Gau cried.

"Ay! Not a word, got it?" Gau hung his head low and muttered something under his breath. Yet again, the group turned to awkward shuffling. A cricket appeared in the silence and started to chirp, making the situation even more awkward. The awkwardness level further increased when Gau ate the cricket.

Edgar then raised his index finger in the air and began, "So back to Figaro Castle?"

"Why?" squeaked Cyan from the corner he was huddled in. "Why dost thou insist on having our meeting within this mechanical behemoth?"

"Mechanical behemoth!" Strago shouted, jumping out of his seat and grabbing his staff. "Dammit, I _hate_ behemoths! And a mechanical one at that! Ya know, back in my day…"

"Back in your day," Setzer yelled, "nobody cared!"

"BEHEMOTH!" Strago cried as he casted Grand Train/Delta at the source of the voice. The giant spinning triangle of doom that resulted from the casting obliterated the table they were sitting at, sent Setzer flying through one of his slot machines, knocked out Umaro and Sabin, caused Cyan to fall unconscious out of sheer terror, and (worst of all) slightly irritated Shadow, which increased every living being on the planet's chance of dying at that moment by exactly one hundred percent.

Edgar looked around at the bodies and debris and tried once more to get the meeting on task. "Um, guys? This is fun and all but what about…" He stopped short when he looked to Gogo, who had very suddenly jumped out of his/her/its chair and grabbed a staff. "Gogo, no! No, no NO!"

"BEHEMOTH!" Gogo (mimicking Strago) cried as he/her/it casted Grand Train/Delta at Setzer. The giant spinning triangle of doom that resulted from the casting sent Setzer flying through a wall and into the room that Celes and Locke were occupying, which allowed Setzer to be used as a flying projectile to knock out the couple, destroyed nearly half of the gambling devices on the floor, and irritated Shadow slightly more, causing that chance of death to raise by an additional four hundred percent.

Once the dust cleared, Terra asked, "That was all sarcasm, right?"

* * *

Several powerful potions and phoenix downs later, Setzer arose from his newly made door and said, "Screw it. I'll just fly around in circles until someone tells us what to do. It's worked before."

"Yeah," Sabin agreed. "What idiot came up with the idea to have us try to figure out the problem by ourselves without first consulting some random person who apparently knows more than we do and is therefore probably more qualified to do the job themselves?" There was a slight mumble of agreement amongst the group, even if they were confused by the sudden burst of intelligence from a Sabin who had previously (and uncharacteristically) appeared unintelligent.

"Ah," sighed Cyan in relief, "now we can escape this mechanical be-"

"NO!" shouted Edgar.

"Er… beast." A sigh of relief was audible throughout the room.

"We're not walking, you know," Setzer informed Cyan. Poor Cyan's eyes widened suddenly as he returned to his fetal position and began to rock back and forth.

"Hey, wait!" called Edgar to all those who were painfully shuffling, limping and (in Relm's case) skipping out of the room. Then there was only Edgar, Cyan, and Gau (who was tending to Cyan) left. "Fine, meeting adjourned."

Return to Top


	4. The Wild Goose Chase

_And so I return. I can't promise it will be for very long though…_

_I still don't own Final Fantasy or its characters, creatures, or places._

* * *

**Chapter 4- The Wild Goose Chase**

"Well that's the last town," Sabin said as he climbed back onto the airship. "Now what?"

"Dammit!" cursed Setzer. "We talked to every goddamn person _on this friggin' planet_ and not one can help us! What are we supposed to do now? Go through the dungeons again? I'll tell you now that I won't put one goddamn foot back in that dragon cave again. Come to think of it, I told you that once before, and _we still went back in!_"

"Oh come on," Relm said, "it wasn't so bad the second time through."

"Not so bad! Are you serious!" Setzer yelled. "Without those stupid dragon barriers to give us a rough idea of where we needed to head next, we were lost in there for hours. Not to mention it had been over a year since we were last there, so no one had any idea where we were going! There wasn't even anything good at the end! Just some stupid OmegaWeapon that looked exactly like UltimaWeapon and his twin brother, just with slightly different coloring. And when we beat him, do you remember what happened? _Nothing!_ Absolutely nothing happened!"

"But Setzer," Cyan objected, "for slaying the beast we gained much honor and-" He stopped mid-sentence though and dove underneath a table that was on deck when Setzer threw his cellphone at him. The poor Doman then began shivering and muttering prayers as wards against the machine.

"We could fly around some more," Sabin suggested. "That's how we found Deathgaze, right? We just flew around in circles until he decided to show up so we could beat the snot out of him and steal his Bahamut magicite."

Strago snorted in disgust. "Back in my day," he muttered, "before these darned airships, we just followed the path that we were put on and it would bring us right to the plot. Then when it was all over, it was over and we didn't haveta do anythin' else."

"I have an idea," Edgar said with uncertainty. "What if we go back to the Soul Shrine and beat it one hundred times in a row without stopping?"

Everyone suddenly stopped and stared at the engineer. "Now how will that help us at all?" Setzer asked.

"I don't know! I just expected that after completing the challenge that we would get something a little more impressive than a silly crown that we can't even use." Edgar still received no positive response. "It's something we haven't tried yet, okay?"

"You're lucky I don't set Interceptor on you for merely suggesting that," Shadow snarled. "I'd just as soon go back to the Dragon's Den and fight OmegaWeapon one hundred times than deal with those annoying homicidal jars."

"Wait," said Edgar, "OmegaWeapon respawns?"

Shadow nodded. "Every time you leave the cave he returns."

Edgar was about to open his mouth to suggest they do that instead, but Sabin punched him unconscious before he could say anything. "What?" Sabin asked his disturbed party members. "I didn't like the Dragon's Den. I don't want to go back."

"Fair enough," Setzer said. "I would've done it if you didn't and I've already been portrayed as enough of an asshole as it is. Now I ask again, any ideas?"

"I think Umaro has one!" Relm chimed. As it was, she was correct, and Umaro did in fact have a plan. For the past half-hour, he had been below deck crunching numbers in order to figure out what they had to do. Unfortunately, he could not physically speak it since his vocal chords weren't fully evolved, but he was able to produce a bone carving that had his plan written on it. He handed the bone over to Sabin, who read it aloud.

"'_Using a combination of moderately high level quantum physics, neurobiology and some cryptozoology, I believe that I have devised what our next approach to our current problem should be. You see my dear companions, our existence has been sorted into what are called "chapters." Each of these "chapters" has a different name, and this name often pertains to what is to happen in the following section of existence. For example, our last chapter was called "The Greatest and Most Unnecessary Meeting of All Time" and I would agree that the meeting we had earlier, while perhaps being amusing was rather pointless. Thus if we were able to find the name of our current chapter, we would have some idea of what we were looking for. This is where all of my calculations come in. For the past half hour I have run the functions necessary to find the current coordinates of the name of the chapter, and have deduced that it is directly above our position at all times. However, it gets increasingly farther away as time passes and appears to accelerate during dialogue for some inexplicable reason, so I would suggest that you get some sort of spyglass and look above you rather soon and with as little dialogue as possible before the chapter is so far away that it becomes unreadable_.' That's it."

"Konnten Sie das wiederholen," Gau asked, "weil ich nicht verstand, dass alles, das Sie sagten."

"No one cares!" Setzer snapped, "Now stop talking while I go find my spyglass."

As Setzer climbed below deck, Terra leaned over to Sabin and asked in a whisper, "Why does he always seem so sad?"

"Sad?" Sabin questioned. "Why would you think he's sad?"

"Well he's always shouting and stuff."

It took Sabin a moment to realize what Terra meant. "I think you mean angry."

Terra blushed and confirmed, "Oh, yeah, sorry. I did mean angry. Why do you think he's angry?"

"Well, I guess he's supposed to be portrayed as a complete and total douchebag and he does this by yelling and ordering people around. In response, nobody tends to listen or care about the orders which I guess must be amusing in some way."

"Oh, I see," Terra sighed.

Strago then began pacing back and forth. "Why was it that that young whippersnapper told us to not talk? I remember back when we young'uns respected our elders and it was the elders that did all the orderin'."

"But Grandpa," Relm said, "Mr. Setzer did have a point. Don't you remember what Umaro wrote on the bone?"

"What?" Strago asked.

"Umaro! What he wrote on the bone!"

"Who's Umaro?" Strago asked, frustrated.

"The yeti Grandpa…"

"Oh right, the yeti… Wait, 'wrote on the bone?' Is this some sort of dirty new-fangled slang that my granddaughter shouldn't be old enough to know?"

"No Grandpa," Relm sighed, "it means what it sounds like. He carved the words onto a bone. Besides, I'm fourteen! I'm allowed to know that stuff now."

"No you're not little missy! You're sweet and innocent and to be completely honest I don't really care for great-grandchildren. Especially not from my fourteen-year-old granddaughter. Speaking of that, what's with it these days with all these kids and getting pregnant? It just don't make any sense to me."

"Grandpa! Focus! Umaro-"

"Who?"

"The yeti…"

"Oh, right."

Relm sighed and continued, "The yeti wrote down that the more dialogue that goes on, the farther away the chapter title gets and if we don't read the chapter title, we won't know what we're supposed to do to get Figaro Castle back!"

Strago stood silently and processed what his granddaughter had just said for a moment. "Oh, whoops." After this, the party except for Gogo, who was reciting the previous scene, was silent.

Setzer finally emerged with his spyglass and looked to the sky. Squinting into the glass, he cursed and lowered it. "Well, it's definitely there," he said, "I just can't quite make it out. The first word might 'Chapter', but I'm not sure."

"Drat," Edgar muttered, "well I guess that we're just going to have to defeat OmegaWeapon ninety-nine more… ouch!" The engineer brought his hand to his neck and pulled out a small dart. Immediately afterwards he dropped to the deck, fast asleep. No one noticed Shadow inconspicuously put away his blowgun.

"Now ya see!" Strago scolded. "I told you that this whole chapter thing was ridiculous."

"But Grandpa," Relm sighed, "you never said anything like that…"

"Well I was thinking it!"

"Möglicherweise gibt es eine Person in der Welt, die wir nicht mit noch gesprochen haben," Gau suggested.

"Be quiet Gau!" Setzer shouted. "No one understands you!"

"What if we had a bigger telescope?" Terra asked.

Silence initially answered her. "You know, that might just work," Sabin mentioned. "I kind of remember some guy saying that there was another guy who made a really powerful telescope. Maybe that will work."

"Oh yeah," Setzer said, "I sort of remember that too. You remember who he was talking about?"

"Uh, no. Not really."

Shadow looked up from his blade sharpening and said, "I bet that that Cid guy would know where to find him. He is an engineer and would be up-to-date on the latest technologies."

"Are you insane?" Setzer asked. "He lives on an island in the middle of the ocean. I don't even know how he survives due to the lack of fresh water. No, we're going to talk to every person we see, even if we talk to every single person on the planet again. Now that we have new information, they will _definitely_ say something different."

**One week later on Cid's Island-**

Shadow sat below deck on the Falcon contemplating the best possible way to cleanly, yet brutally and painfully eliminate the airship's captain without getting noticed. As it turned out, not only did Cid know about the guy with the telescope, he _was_ the guy with the telescope (which had been told to them by a random patron of Zozo, the town which they had decided to visit last). Setzer also contemplated how to best get rid of the assassin before he himself was inevitably slaughtered. The rest of the party however (minus Locke and Celes of course) was with Cid, asking about his telescope.

"Are you absolutely certain that there's no other way that we could get the telescope working?" Edgar asked hopefully.

"Completely," Cid replied, shaking his head. "The telescope won't work unless I have four celestriads and a Ragnarok sword."

"What would you say if I told you that when we were given the choice," Edgar explained, "we took the Ragnarok magicite instead of the sword. And now that magicite doesn't exist… Not to mention, we only own one celestriad and, no offense, I would have a hard time just handing it over to you."

"I would say that you wouldn't be using my telescope."

Edgar opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. No amount of pointless banter would change the completion conditions for this quest, no matter how impossible they were.

"Oh!" cried Terra excitedly. "Edgar look here!" She was rapidly poking a page in the bestiary she had been studying. "It says that brachiosaurs will randomly drop celestriads! And here it says that we can steal Ragnarok off of Lady!"

"Well, the celestriads sound annoying, but possible," Edgar muttered.

"Who's Lady?" Sabin asked.

"You know," Terra said, "she's in that part of the final boss battle in the tier that looks like Heaven except that for obvious reasons it can't be named Heaven because that would be exceptionally controversial. In fact, she's supposed to represent the Virgin Mary whereas Rest represents Jesus because this whole scene is actually based on a statue by Michelangelo called _Piet__á_. This is even further controversial because if you look carefully, Rest is simply an image of Kefka, which kind of implies that Kefka is Jesus." The party's eyes suddenly widened as their minds were blown.

Upon recovery, Edgar asked, "You said that Lady was apart of the final battle against Kefka?"

"Yes… Oh…" Terra realized. "That's a problem, isn't it?"

The party was silent in thought for a moment. "Why don't we try digging through the remains of Kefka's Tower?" Relm suggested.

"Easy for you to say," Sabin grumbled. "You won't be doing the digging…" Umaro grunted in approval.

"Unfortunately," Edgar said, "I don't think we have any choice. Come on, let's go. I really hope that this is a powerful telescope, because that chapter title is going to get _really_ far away."

**Seven celestriads and one Ragnarok later (approximately two months) back on Cid's Island-**

"Please tell me why we needed _seven_ celestriads?" Shadow asked Edgar.

"So that we can keep the other three celestriads for ourselves. With the one that we owned before, that gives us _four!_ You don't exactly come across these every day you know!"

"I noticed." The rage that had previously been projected at Setzer found a new home with Edgar. Shadow estimated that the engineer's lifespan would be about eight and a half more minutes.

The party entered Cid's house and handed over the precious artifacts. "Take this shit and put it on the telescope _now!_" Setzer nearly shouted. "We gotta see this chapter title before it disappears."

"Understood," Cid replied. He took the artifacts and laid them up against the nearest wall. He then got a ladder and climbed to the top of the twenty-foot tall telescope and removed the lens-cap. As he climbed down he called, "Alright, you're good!"

"Um, you forgot the celestriads and Ragnarok," Sabin pointed out.

"No I didn't," Cid told them as he reached the floor. "I'm still quite aware that they are sitting right there."

Silence ensued from the party. "What hast thou done?" Cyan growled.

"Nothing!" Cid exclaimed. "I've been telling you the truth right along. The telescope won't work unless I take the lens-cap off. I wouldn't take the lens-cap off until you got me four celestriads and Ragnarok. Therefore, the telescope wouldn't work until you got me the four celestriads and Ragnarok. It's rather basic logic."

"Your fate is sealed," Shadow whispered to himself, now forgetting that he was ever angry at Edgar (which was very lucky for him, since he only had about twenty-four seconds left on his estimated lifespan).

"Fine, whatever," Setzer grumbled. "Let's just look at this thing so that we can find out what the hell we're supposed to be doing." The gambler then walked over to the telescope and began searching the skies for the chapter title. That was also when Lock and Celes decided to enter the house as well.

"Hey guys!" Locke called. "What did we miss? I remember something about Figaro being stolen, did we get it back?"

"What are we doing with a telescope?" Celes asked. "And why does everyone look like they want to brutally murder Cid? Oh, hi Cid!"

"Guys, don't talk too much!" Sabin warned. "The chapter title gets farther away every time a new person speaks."

"Chapter title? What's that?"

"Chapter title? What's that?" Gogo mimicked.

"Yeah, that sounds ridiculous."

"Yeah, that sounds ridiculous."

"Why are we trying to find something like that?"

"Why are we trying to find something like that?"

"And why do we need a telescope?"

"And why do we need a telescope?"

"Why would a chapter title be in the sky?"

"Why would a chapter title be in the sky?"

"Why are we asking so many questions?"

"Why are we asking so many questions?"

"_Shut up!_" Setzer hissed. "We're trying to figure out what the hell we're supposed to do!"

"How the hell is a chapter title going to tell us that?"

"How the hell is a chapter title going to tell us that?"

While this questioning was going on, Umaro was somehow able to sneak up behind the two of them and bashed their heads together. As expected, the couple fell over unconscious. He made a gesture to Setzer as if to say, "Please continue." Gogo hung his head in disappointment.

"Thanks," Setzer muttered. After a few more moments, Setzer cried out, "Ha! There it is! I can read it clear as crystal!"

"What's it say?" Relm asked excitedly.

"Alright, here it goes, 'Chapter Four:' that sounds legitimate, I'm actually getting excited, 'The Wild Goose Chase.'" Immediately, Setzer realized what he had just read. "No," he said simply.

"Oh, I had wanted to mention this to you," Cid piped in. "Apparently there was this earthquake about three months ago near Narshe and it opened up what they call the Cave of Great Trials. I guess anyone who gets to the end is supposed to be able to defeat any foe. You guys might try going there."

The entire party was once again silent as they processed the information. "Hey Setzer," Edgar said softly, "when we first talked to everyone on the planet, before we knew about the chapter title, did we forget to talk to Cid?"

The gambler thought for a moment, his eyelid visibly twitched and then answered, "Yes, yes we did." He walked over to Umaro and calmly asked, "Could you please throw me into that telescope as hard as you possibly can?" The yeti immediately complied. The telescope, however, did not break, it merely gained a new gambler-shaped dent. Setzer pulled himself up and said, "Thank you."

"I guess we go on to this Cave of Great Trials then?" Sabin asked.

"All of you go on to the airship," Shadow told them. "I'll be there momentarily. I have some… business… to conduct with Cid here."

"Take your time," Edgar said as he left.

It was not long before Shadow emerged, admiring his new Ragnarok sword. Strago confronted him and demanded, "What took you so long?"

Shadow's eyes looked up from his new blade and met the elderly man's. "I strangled him with his own testicles," he answered, eyes going back to the sword. Strago suddenly froze in shock.

"Wha…" Edgar gaped. "Why...? How do you even…?"

"You start by tearing out their testicles-" Shadow began.

"No, no!" Edgar interrupted. "Rhetorical question! Please don't answer!"

"Well then," Setzer began, "on that note, let's start the engines and be off to this cave!" Cyan leapt under a table and hid as the engines roared to life and they set off for Narshe.

* * *

_This actually came out better than I expected. It was quite fun to write. Different than originally planned, but much better in my opinion (the original had them finding out the chapter title earlier and then scouring the world for any sort of resemblance. In the end, a random NPC would tell them of the Cave of Great Trials)._

_For anyone who didn't understand, the reason the chapter title gets farther away whenever a new person speaks is because grammatically, it is required that one starts a new paragraph for every new speaker. When skipping a line to create the paragraph, the work of writing obviously becomes longer and thus literally makes the title of the chapter farther away. Sorry if you didn't understand._

_Please review if you have the time._


	5. The Cave of Great Trials: Part 1

_I must extend a special thanks to SageQuill, who took the time to do many reviews for me. I highly recommend her story "One Hundred Tiny Missions" if you enjoy a good laugh. Also, as always (or whenever I remember to) I must thank Shadow's Interceptor, who takes the time to proofread every chapter before it's posted. If you are a fan of Shadow and Relm, look no further than her "Of Sketchpads and Shadows" story._

_I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places._

* * *

**Chapter 5 – The Cave of Great Trials, Part 1**

**In Figaro Castle's engine room-**

"What the hell Phillip!" Wedge scolded. "You scared the crap out of me! I thought you were going to throw us into the engine!"

"Sorry," the invisible being apologized, "I thought that you would have realized when I asked for help that I had no intention of killing you. I only wanted you to help me push the buttons. Paws are really terrible with those sort of things."

"Well, yeah, of course we know that now," Wedge grumbled, "But you're an evil mastermind, remember? By 'help' you, you could have meant that you were annoyed with us and to help your patience, you would have eliminated us."

"I don't really see how that would help me at all. There's the chance that mangling your bodies in the engine would also cause the engine to stop working or just break down completely. I would have no means of fixing it because even if I understood how the engine works, again, I have paws. The fact that we're several hundred feet underground would mean that I would suffocate, dehydrate, or starve. To avoid that fate, I could deal with a little bit of irritation."

Wedge was silent in thought for a moment. "Huh, I never really thought of it that way."

"See," Biggs explained, "this is why _he's_ the evil mastermind, not you."

"Please don't call me that," Phillip requested. "I don't like to think of myself as evil."

Biggs shifted uncomfortably, and then said, "Um, to be fair, you kind of _are_ an evil mastermind. I mean, you hijacked a castle in order to lure a group of the world's greatest heroes into your trap so you could murder them all."

"Those are not heroes to me," Phillip growled. "They slaughtered my people in an attempt to get stronger. Then they allowed Kefka to rise to power, who then created the monsters who devoured the rest of my race. I am the last of my kind left and it's all because of those so-called _heroes_."

"But they're the ones who _killed _Kefka!" Biggs protested.

"In a foolish attempt to absorb his power no doubt!" Phillip shouted.

"But that's-" Biggs began.

"_Shut up Biggs!_" Wedge interrupted. "He doesn't need the engine to kill us!" Once this all blew over, Wedge would have to ask Biggs why in the bloody hell he would try to have conversations with this clearly insane super-villain but refused to speak to the man he had been faithfully guarding the engine room with for over a decade. Maybe Biggs was an evil mastermind too? That would certainly explain a lot. Wedge made a mental note to jot that down is his diary… er… journal.

After what seemed like ages of silence, Wedge asked (hoping that the invisible creature was still around to hear them), "So where exactly are we going?"

"Triangle Island," the voice of Phillip responded, "the former home of my people."

* * *

**In front of the Cave of Great Trials-**

"So this is the cave Cid was talking about?" Edgar asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Setzer replied. "They don't label these things or anything and they all look the same. All I know is that it's where Cid said that it was." And indeed, that was all they could be certain of, because no caves were ever labeled, and every one's entrance looked exactly the same.

"Well, assuming that this _is_ the Cave of Great Trials, is everyone ready?" Edgar asked.

The group nodded. Everyone, including Locke and Celes (but still without Mog) had been summoned to enter the Cave. None had any idea what could possibly lie within, but judging by the odd power that emanated from the cave's mouth, they were sure that they had encountered nothing like it before. They readied their weapons and marched in.

It soon became dark, so they lit torches. Upon the walls there were unintelligible symbols and sketches, perhaps from a long-forgotten race. The walls became smoother and smoother as they continued until they almost felt like glass. While this was strange to the group, what truly disturbed them was the complete lack of random and near biologically impossible monsters. Whatever power was in this cave must have either repelled monsters with its odd energy or killed all who entered.

Eventually, they entered a very large dome-like room in the cave. Suddenly, the group's torches lost their flame, and hundreds of candles along the room's walls ignited in a blaze. Along the edges of the room were large wooden doors, each with a face painted upon them. As everyone's eyes began to adjust, they realized that the faces on the doors were _their_ faces.

"WELCOME," boomed a deep voice that appeared to come from the walls themselves, "TO THE CAVE OF GREAT TRIALS." At this moment, nearly all of the party members leapt in surprise and terror and Umaro instinctively threw Setzer at the wall, hoping to hit whatever the source of the voice was. Shadow, though, appeared unfazed. Ignoring the actions of the group, the voice continued on, "I AM THE POWER OF A LONG FORGOTTEN EMPIRE; ONE WHO HAD NO MAGIC, YET STILL MANAGED TO CREATE INCREDIBLE MARVELS THAT WOULD CAUSE YOUR FEEBLE MINDS TO MELT IF I EVEN ATTEMPTED TO DESCRIBE THEM. I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE THROUGH THE CAVE, AND TEST IF YOU ARE WORTHY OF WHAT LIES AT THE END."

"Um, Mister God-Like Voice," Relm inquired, "could you tell us why those doors have our faces on them? It's kind of weird."

"YES, I WAS GETTING TO THAT. DON'T YOU KNOW THE RULES OF THESE TYPES OF DUNGEONS? I FIRST NEED TO DO THIS SPEECH TO MAKE YOU ALL WONDER WHAT IN THE HELL YOU'VE GOTTEN YOURSELVES INTO-"

"You did a damn fine job of that," Setzer grumbled as he picked himself up and rubbed his bruising forehead.

"SILENCE GAMBLER!" What appeared to be a thundaga spell appeared out of nowhere and struck Setzer. "NO ONE INTERRUPTS THE ETHEREAL AND GOD-LIKE VOICE WHEN IT SPEAKS! NO ONE! ANYWAYS, AFTER THAT SPEECH, I THEN GO ON TO EXPLAIN THE RULES OF THE DUNGEON AND HOW YOU MUST ACHIEVE THE GOAL, BUT I DO SO VAGUELY SO YOU DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT."

"Oh, okay," Relm said cheerfully, not terribly concerned with the gambler who was now bruised, twitching and smoking on the ground. "Thanks Mister God-Like Voice!"

"OH, YOUR WELCOME!" the voice said merrily. "SUCH A SWEET LITTLE GIRL. IF ONLY ALL OF THE WORLD'S YOUTH WERE LIKE YOU. OH, UM ANYWAYS, RIGHT, THE RULES." Suddenly, his voice became booming and god-like again. "UPON THESE WALLS ARE MANY DOORS; ONE DOOR FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. BEHIND EACH DOOR IS A TRIAL AND A DESTINY THAT AWAITS YOU. IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL, YOU SHALL ALL BE GRANTED GREAT POWER AND I SHALL ANSWER ONE QUESTION FOR YOU."

"A question for each of us?" Edgar asked.

"NO, ONE QUESTION FOR THE WHOLE GROUP."

Edgar was silent in thought for a moment. "Could we all leave the cave and come back individually, pass our trial, and _each_ get a question answered?"

"WELL YOU COULD CERTAINLY TRY, BUT I WOULD DESTROY EACH ONE OF YOU AS YOU TRIED TO ENTER THE CAVE AGAIN, SO I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT."

"Oh, well, fair enough, I suppose."

"_ANYWAYS_, SO I WILL ANSWER YOUR ONE QUESTION AND YOU CAN GO. BE WARNED! THE TRIALS YOU ARE ABOUT TO FACE WILL BE THE CULMINATION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! EVERY MOMENT SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE CONCEIVED-"

"Ew!" Relm shrieked.

"Yer corruptin' my granddaughter's mind you fiend!" Strago cried out.

"WHAT DID I DO? OH… WHOOPS… SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. UM… EVERY MOMENT SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN-"

"Ew!" Relm shrieked again.

"WHAT THE HECK! IF I CAN'T SAY THAT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? EVERY MOMENT SINCE THE STORK BROUGHT YOU TO YOUR PARENTS?"

"Exactly," Strago confirmed. "Isn't that right Relm? I told you that that's where babies come from."

"Grandpa! I'm old enough to know where babies really come from."

"Of course you do!" Strago agreed. "They come from storks." Relm sighed in frustration, but knew that arguing with her grandfather would get her nowhere. She would just do what she had always done and keep letting the poor old man believe she was five years old and innocent.

"WELL FINE! FORGIVE ME, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS." The voice cleared its throat (or at least that's what it sounded like) and began again, "EVERY MOMENT SINCE THE STORK BROUGHT YOU TO YOUR PARENTS-" This received a slight chuckle from Setzer, who was once again immediately struck by lightning. "HAS LED YOU TO THESE TESTS. THEY ARE THE CLIMAX OF YOUR EXISTENCE! IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE, GO TO YOUR DOOR AND FIND WHAT AWAITS YOU. IF NOT, LEAVE AND NEVER RETURN. THE DECISION IS YOURS!" Silence followed, and it appeared that the voice was gone for now.

"Is Setzer okay?" Terra asked.

Locke looked down to the still smoking pile of gambler. "I'm not sure," he said. "Maybe we should give him a-"

"OH SHOOT!" the voice cried out. "I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT IN CASE OF A FIRE, THERE ARE AT LEAST FOUR EXITS FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. ALSO, IF YOU ARE NURSING, PREGNANT, OR MAY BECOME PREGNANT, YOU SHOULD NOT BE ENTERING THE CAVE OF GREAT TRIALS. COMMON SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE SEVERE ELECTRICAL BURNS, HEART FAILIURE, UNCURABLE INSANITY AND DEATH. IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING HALLUCINATIONS OF VENGEFUL BACON, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. THIS MAY BE THE RESULT OF A RARE BUT SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT.

"THE CAVE OF GREAT TRIALS: IF IT DOESN'T PERMANENTLY SCAR YOU, I'M NOT DOING IT RIGHT." Once again, the voice was silent.

"As I was saying," Locke continued, "maybe we should give him a potion or two."

"But his twitching is funny!" Relm whined.

Locke looked down to the gambler again. "I don't think he's twitching anymore."

"Oh fine, I guess he needs one then…"

A few minutes later, Setzer was revived. "I always wondered how those potions worked…" Sabin inquired. "I mean, those things are like the all-purpose cure for everything. It's a wonder that _anybody_ even dies. They're not even that expensive!"

"Well you see Sabin," Edgar told his brother, "there are three ways to make money in this world: being an innkeeper, being a shopkeeper, and killing monsters. An innkeeper isn't very profitable because tents are often less expensive and quicker. No one sleeps at an inn unless it's plot-relevant. Shopkeeping is hard because you can only have one of each shop in each town so the only way to run your own shop is to make a new town. Killing monsters is easy, and that's the way we get our gil, but not everyone is patient enough to do it for hours and hours on end until they're millionaires. People still die because they can't utilize one of these three methods."

Sabin thought for a moment, and then said, "I guess that makes sense."

"What the hell are we waiting for?" Setzer yelled impatiently. "Let's get this done so you can get your bloody castle back and I can get rid of you all! Seriously, I _never_ get struck by lightning when you guys aren't around!" And so, with that, each party member approached their respective door, and began the trials of their lives.

* * *

**Somewhere in Hell-**

"Now if you look to your left," Larry, the demon tour-guide, told Hell's newcomers, "you'll see two of our most dastardly villains fighting for absolute dominance. I must ask you to keep _all body parts_ inside of your hellspawn vehicular demonoids for your own safety. And no, I do not care that since you are riding on top of the demonoids, the only possible way to have _any_ of your body parts inside of it is to be eaten by it. And no, I also do not care that you are uncomfortably strapped to your demonoids in such a way that you couldn't be eaten by it even if you wanted to."

The newcomers watched in awe as the pair continued their endless fight. "Uwee hee hee!" laughed one of them, who looked like the six-winged clown of everyone's nightmares. "You're too slow for me! Maybe if you had an even number of wings you could fly better."

"Shut up!" yelled the other one, a silver-haired menace with an unnaturally long katana and only a single wing of his own. "It's not my fault that Hojo can't count!"

"Aw, gonna cry to mommy?" the winged clown said mockingly. "I'm sorry for hurting you feelings."

"Oh come on!" the silver-haired one shouted. "If you're going to insult me, try something original! I've heard every damn 'mommy' joke in the damned book. And by the way, the 'your sword is obviously compensating for something' doesn't work either!"

Larry looked back to his tour group and informed them, "This is part of their punishment. Every other week they are forced to fight each other to see who is more powerful. Since neither can die in Hell, there is never a clear winner."

One of the prisoners on the vehicular demonoids raised their hand. "Yes Chris?" Larry asked.

"What do they do for the other week?"

"Thank you Chris, a very good question. Their punishments are tailored specifically to their hatreds. Sephiroth, the single-winged one, is forced to endlessly hear a dramatic reading of different stories that his fans have written about him, particularly the highly disturbing ones, such as those that give him a love interest with the Midgar Zolom or Chocobo Billy. Kefka, the six-winged clown, is forced to stay in a room full of kittens. Kittens that, while he may try his hardest, he cannot destroy. They will endlessly love and cuddle with him." The tour group gasped in shock, glad that they had not committed the atrocities that these two had.

"Hmph!" grunted Kefka as he launched a fireball at his foe. "Fine then, you didn't make a very good God either. Oh wait! _You_ _never became a god!_ Ha!"

Sephiroth sidestepped the fireball and called to his opponent, "Well at least I had the right idea! I was going to kill everything and remake it. You just blew a lot of shit up and decided to leave it that way, giving the heroes a chance to kill you off. In conclusion, if you were smart like me and killed everyone when you had the chance, _you wouldn't be here getting mauled by indestructible kittens every other week!_"

"SHUT UP!" Kefka screamed in rage. "YOU WERE ADOPTED AND NOBODY LOVES YOU!"

Larry looked back to the remains of his tour group (for some had been hit by the rogue fireball and had fallen off their demonoid; thus were now having their organs rearranged by the monsters below) and called, "That's enough here. Next stop, the frozen Lake of Traitors, followed by the conclusion of our tour with a few words from Satan himself and his friends; Judas, Brutus, and Cassius!"

* * *

_Hope that this chapter was alright. It was kind of just a bridging chapter to what will hopefully be a much better one next time. Also, the part in Hell was relevant. I shall not say how, but it is._

_Please review if you have the time._


	6. The Cave of Great Trials: Part 2

_*Violently vomits out internal organs*_

_Holy crap, that was a difficult chapter to write. A tip for writers, as cool as the concept of giving all of your characters a character-developing trial is, DON'T DO IT FOR THIRTEEN OR MORE CHARACTERS! It is a miserable experience that I would not wish upon anyone. That being said though, it's finally done! It's not my best work in my opinion, but it's done. I hope that you'll get a few laughs out of it._

_A note: this is not the _entire_ chapter. The whole thing ends up exceeding eleven thousand words, so I decided to split it up into two chapters. You _will not_ have to wait a year for the next part (seeing as it's already been written); I promise that (assuming I remain physically capable of doing so) I will post Part 3 within two weeks._

_I must extend a couple of thank yous for this chapter: one (as always) to my beta Shadow's Interceptor (without her, you wouldn't actually get a legitimate trial for Gau), and another to Kein Sylvan, whose sudden reviews inspired me to get off of my ass and finish this damn thing._

_I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places._

_Let's get on with this, shall we?_

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Cave of Great Trials: Part 2**

**The Room of the Artist**

Relm entered into a room that looked very similar to the one she had just left from, except that it was smaller and only had a single door on the opposite side. "Hello?" she called. "I'm supposed to be tested or something, right? Whadoo I do?"

"AH, YES, RIGHT, A TEST," said the booming godlike voice from earlier. "UM, YOU SEE, THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING. I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT YOUR TEST IS. I HONESTLY CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FOR YOU TO DO."

"Oh fuddy-duddy, so I have to wait for you to think of a test?" Relm complained.

"WELL, UM…" the voice contemplated, "AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE, I COULD JUST LET YOU THROUGH TO THE FINAL WAITING CHAMBER. I'M GUESSING YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME TO BE WAITING FOR ANOTHER FEW CENTURIES BEFORE I FIGURE OUT YOUR TRIAL."

"Really!" Relm beamed. "So you're saying that I'm already such a well-developed and perfected character, that I don't even need a final trial to prove my characteryness?"

"UH… YEAH, SURE. JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE! I'D NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT IF THE OTHER GODLIKE VOICES WERE TOLD."

"Sure thing mister!" At that, the door on the other side opened and Relm happily skipped into the waiting room.

* * *

**The Room of the (****Thief) ****Treasure Hunter**

As soon as Locke let go of the door's handle, it slammed behind him and sounded like it locked in several places. He looked to the door curiously, but soon expelled it from his mind. He turned towards the center of the room and saw the one thing that he simultaneously wanted to see every day of his life and never wanted to see again. Immediately, he leapt towards the door and tried to force it open.

"Locke?" the apparition of Rachel said. "Is that really you?"

"NO!" he shrieked. The door did not appear to be cooperating with him. Reaching into his pockets, he dug out a lockpick, only to find that the door had no pickable locks. In a desperate effort, he began pounding on the door. "Stupid bloody voice!"

Looking hurt, the ghost glided over to the panicking treasure hunter. "Aren't you happy to see me?" she asked.

Locke froze wide-eyed with sweat pouring down his face. Slowly, he turned to face his past. "Of course I'm happy to see you! That's exactly why I'm trying to break this door down to get away from you!" Realizing what he had just said, he added, "Despite how that sounded, I swear it wasn't sarcastic."

"I… I see," Rachel said sadly, "you're afraid of me because I'm a ghost, right?"

"No no no! That's not true!" he answered immediately. "In fact, I'm not even afraid. Okay, maybe I'm a little afraid, but it's not because you're a ghost!" He looked frantically around the room as though there might be another way out. "Hey Voice!" he called. "This isn't really Rachel, right? You just used your power to make some sort of look-a-like." There was no answer. "Right?" Still no answer. "RIGHT?"

"What's wrong Locke? You look upset." By 'upset' she meant 'nearly rabid,' but she couldn't tell him that. "Does it have to do with whatever brought my spirit here? He didn't tell me much, but seemed nice enough."

Slowly, Locke began to calm down. Eventually he mustered the confidence to speak again. Locke explained to Rachel's spirit exactly what was going on.

"So," Rachel began, "you're saying that in order for you and your friends to complete your quest, you have to pass this test. And that test probably has to do something with me, right?"

"Yes, I would assume so. I also think that I know what it is."

"Oh! You do! What is it?"

Locke sighed. He couldn't lie to Rachel, even if she was just a look-a-like created by the god-like voice. Before continuing, he prayed that that was all she was. "All I need to do is say that I love you."

The ghost looked confused and surprised. "That's it? You used to say that all the time before and after the accident. That's not too hard, right Locke?" Silence. "Locke?" Still silence.

He tried to reach out and grab her hand, but as he expected, it was like trying to grab air. It took a while before the answer came gushing out of Locke like a river. "It's true. It's still true! I would love to tell you how much I love you and have always loved you. But for me to say it would be a betrayal to both you, and… and to Celes.

"No one could ever replace the feelings that I felt and still feel for you. But… but after the accident… after the imperials… I… I met another woman, who I've also grown to love. I don't know how to explain it, but I love you, and I love her, neither more or less than the other. I know it doesn't make any sense but-"

Locke was interrupted by Rachel's warm laughter. "You mean _that_ was it? The way you were building it up sounded like you massacred a village of disabled orphans or something!"

Locke looked up at her, shocked. "You mean… you're okay with that? Not the slaughter of disabled orphans. I mean me and Celes?"

"Of course I am! In fact, I'm glad. Ever since our last meeting I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy."

On the opposite side of the room, the exit door began to swing open. The god-like voice finally made an appearance, but it sounded like it was sobbing. "THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER!" it wailed.

"I guess it's time to go," Rachel said as she noticed her image fading. "No matter what, I will always love you Locke, and I know that you will love me. I wish the best for you and Celes."

* * *

**The Room of the General**

"YOU BITCH!" Rachel screamed at Celes while slapping her across the face. "HOW DARE YOU? YOU BITCH!" She used a punch in the gut to emphasize her point.

Other than doubling over in pain, Celes wasn't sure how to respond. What were you supposed to do when your boyfriend's dead girlfriend suddenly gets up and tries to kill you? She thought to draw her sword and cut the woman down, but couldn't bring herself to do so. She knew Locke still had feelings for Rachel, and if she did such a thing she would never be able to face him again. Instead, she simply allowed the crazed woman to attack her.

"Locke was mine! _I_ had him first!" Rachel screamed. "YOU STOLE MY LOCKE!"

"I didn't steal him!" Celes insisted. "I didn't even know about you when I met him!"

"BUT YOU LEARNED!" she continued screaming. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Straightening herself, Celes finally drew her sword. "Just stop now!" she ordered. Oddly enough, the madwoman raised her hands in the air and did. With her sword extended Celes slowly approached her opponent. She knew though that she still couldn't strike Rachel, and the moment she let down her guard, the woman would attack again. There had to be a way…

Instead of looking wild now, the woman seemed frightened. She obviously preferred that Celes's sword remain at a safe distance and not puncturing through her own innards. Perhaps Rachel would talk now. "I don't want to hurt you," Celes began, "because I know Locke wouldn't want it."

"Well that's convenient," Rachel snarled, "because I want nothing more than to hurt you."

"Why?" she asked.

"I told you! You _stole_ my Locke!"

"And I told you that I _didn't_ steal him! For one, neither you or I _own_ him, and two, I can tell that he still has feelings for you."

Rachel spat. "I don't care if what you say is true! I would never share Locke with any woman, especially you!"

Celes's eyes narrowed. This woman just _would not get it!_ This was _nothing_ like the Rachel that Locke had described! Suddenly, the realization hit her. "You know, Locke told me a lot about you _Rachel._" She continued her slow forward advance until her opponent was backed up against a wall and looking down the point of her sword. "So much so, that I no longer have any reason to leave you alive, because _you're most certainly not Rachel!"_

Rachel's eyes widened and she merely squeaked. Soon hardening once again, she demanded, "Prove it!"

"I don't have to! _It's obvious!_" She drew her sword back, preparing to strike.

Rachel finally realized that Celes meant business. She held her hands up in defeat. "That's it, secret's out," she said. "I didn't take this job to pay for my funeral. You're right; I'm a fake. This voice-thing hired me to portray this girl for your test or whatnot. I'm actually just a shapeshifting monster." She started morphing into various creatures and objects to prove this fact. "Please don't kill me!"

"YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT," the god-like voice called out. "I DIDN'T EXPECT HER TO TRY AND KILL YOU. YOU'LL GET YOUR PAYMENT. AS FOR YOU CELES, YOU PASSED. THE DOOR'S OPEN NOW."

Celes nodded in approval, then sheathed her sword and strode out into the waiting chamber.

* * *

**The Room of the Samurai**

The room Cyan entered was a simple one. There were two distinguishing features of this room; the door on the opposite side, and a stone pedestal that sat in the room's center. On the pedestal, there appeared to be an artifact of some sort. At this distance, he couldn't quite tell what it was (his eyes were certainly not what they used to be), though he knew that it was small enough to fit in his hand. Placing a hand on the hilt of his sheathed katana, he slowly approached the artifact.

The thing looked vaguely familiar as he got closer. He still could not make out what it was though, so he continued his advance. He was nearly upon the pedestal when the artifact began to suddenly glow. Then it _moved!_

Within seconds, his katana was out of its scabbard. The artifact continued to glow and vibrate, and then began to screech. The sound that it produced was so alien and grating that Cyan dropped his katana so he could cover his ears. A sound like this could make a man puncture his own eardrums! Cyan's fears were confirmed. Before him, upon this unholy pedestal, lay his greatest living foe, the fabled Cellular Device.

Quickly backing up against a wall, Cyan stared down his nemesis. He had been told by King Edgar that if one waited long enough, these monstrosities would cease their cries for blood. An urge to curl into the fetal position nearly overwhelmed the Doman, but he knew that he could not. This must be the task that the cave had bestowed upon him. To give in to terror, even in the face the "All-Consuming" would be betrayal to his comrades. He would not allow himself to commit such a sin.

The abomination shrieked endlessly. If it did not stop soon, Cyan _would_ puncture his eardrums. And carve out his eyes. And tear out his tongue too, just for good measure. Then it dawned upon him. The artifact would _never_ cease. His test was not to withstand the menace; it was to silence it. _Then it shall be_, Cyan thought to himself. _Today, I vanquish my greatest foe._

Ever so slowly, Cyan took a single step forward. Then he took another one, and even another after that. Each successive step was easier than the last and soon he found himself moving at a normal walking speed. He bent down and picked up his fallen katana and raised it above his head.

"Foul relic!" Cyan called to the beast of nightmares. "Thou hast dishonored me for far too long! Today is the day I regain my honor. Today is the day that thou shalt be slain!" In a mighty slashing motion, he brought the blade down upon the infernal creature. Steel connected with plastic, and within moments the monster was silenced. Cyan breathed a sigh of relief as he looked down upon the machine he had cut in two. Almost instantly though, that relief became a gasp of horror as the mechanism began to sing its vile tune once more as it rejoined with its other half.

Steel met plastic again and again, but to no avail. No matter how many times it was cut or into however many pieces, it always returned to its original form. "HOLD ON!" came the god-like voice. "STOP! THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE CORRECT THAT YOUR TEST IS TO SILENCE THE CELLPHONE, BUT NOT BY CHOPPING IT UP! THERE ARE WAYS TO DO THIS SORT OF THING THAT DON'T INVOLVE ENDANGERING NEARBY CHILDREN."

Cyan stopped mid-swing. _Another way?_ he thought to himself. "Voice! Reveal thy secrets! How must the beast be vanquished?"

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING; I DON'T WANT YOU TO VANQUISH ANYTHING. I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT STOP RINGING. BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT REALLY A SECRET. YOU JUST HAVE TO ANSWER IT."

The samurai's eyes narrowed in pure fury. "I shall not bow before such a monster," he growled.

The voice sighed in annoyance. "NO, NOT 'ANSWER TO', JUST ANSWER IT." Cyan didn't appear to be registering this. "PICK IT UP AND OPEN IT. THEN YOU CAN SAY 'HELLO' TO IT. YOU'RE MAKING THIS OUT TO BE MUCH HARDER THAN IT ACTUALLY IS."

Cyan flinched. The true test was worse than he had imagined. To defeat the creature, he had to command it. He had to _lay his hands upon it!_

Gathering himself, Cyan sheathed his sword. The screeching continued as his hands hovered over the nightmarish artifact. Using all of his willpower, he was able to block out the noise of the beast. He required all of the focus he could muster now. Cyan's breathing slowed, and time stood still. All that existed now were himself and the horrid device. Finally, he struck.

The samurai's hands shot forward as quickly as his physical form would allow. His fingers wrapped around the beast and he wrenched it from its perch. The warm, hard exoskeleton of the monster continued to spasm within Cyan's grasp. This was disorienting, but still Cyan held on. He wouldn't let go. He _couldn't_ let go. Not now, not ever.

Trying to hold the dreaded device as far away from himself as possible, his hands searched for an opening. Suddenly, his fingers found a crevice, and Cyan smiled. This was it. This had to be it. The beast convulsed, still trying to escape Cyan's grip. This did not stop the determined Doman though, as he adjusted his grip and pulled with all of his strength. The device opened, and then tore in two. Triumphantly, Cyan shouted at the monster, "Hello spawn of the Pit of Doom! I am Cyan Garamonde, knight of the Doman court, and master of cellular devices! I have answered thee, so now by thy honor, thou must answer to me! Silence thy infernal wailing, and I shall do thee no more harm!" Incredibly, the device listened. Cyan's eyes widened in shock. _The machines,_ he thought, _they… they _do_ have honor!_

"THAT WAS PERHAPS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I'VE EVER SEEN," the voice commented. "OH, RIGHT, THE DOOR. GOOD JOB, I GUESS…" The exit door then opened and Cyan proudly strode through it.

* * *

**The Room of the Mage**

The words, "YOU ARE OLD," were Strago's introduction to the trial. Naturally, this irritated him slightly.

"Who the hell d'ya think you are? Callin' random people 'old' like that! That's despicable! I remember back when I was your age-"

"JUST SO YOU KNOW," the voice interrupted, "I STOPPED COUNTING MY AGE AFTER THE FIRST TWELVE MILLION YEARS."

Being interrupted didn't help Strago's mood in the slightest. "What's that s'possed to mean?" the elderly mage spat.

"WELL, YOUR AGE IS EIGHTY-FOUR. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT YOU EVER COULD HAVE BEEN TWELVE MILLION YEARS OLD BEFORE THIS."

Strago's gave narrowed in fury. "You and your fancy numbers don't prove anything. _Anyways_, I was saying that when I was your age I respected my elders because they were my elders. We didn't need no other reason to do so."

The voice paused, uncertain how to argue with a man who refused to accept simple logic. Eventually, it continued, "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT YOU AGE SOMETIME, BUT YOU STILL GO RUNNING OFF ON SILLY ADVENTURES LIKE THIS. FOR A HUMAN OF YOUR AGE THIS SORT OF LIFE CAN'T BE HEALTHY. DOESN'T THIS GET A BIT TIRING? HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF RETIRING?"

"Well who says I don't accept my age?" Strago retorted. "And who says that being an elderly gentleman means that you have to retire?"

"WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ANYONE HAS EXPLICITLY SAID THAT…"

"Exactly!" The mage then put on his best lecturing face and continued. "Now you listen here sonny! Just because most people haven't seen as many years as I have doesn't give any reason for me to stop living. A man can be elderly without being old. I never wanted ta become some crusty old geezer trapped in his house waiting for someone to spoon-feed him his next glass of prune juice, so I chose not to! So no, I'm not old, and I ain't retiring!"

The voice paused, carefully thinking over Strago's words. Finally, it made a decision. "WELL PLAYED MAGE," the voice told him. The exit door in the room began to slowly swing open. "VERY WELL PLAYED. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT BEFORE. YOU'RE FREE TO GO."

Strago looked somewhat surprised at this. "Hold on a minute!" he said. "Weren't you s'pposed to put me through some sort of test? You better not be discriminating against the elderly! We can take character-developing tests just as well as the young'uns!"

"UM… YES. I JUST GAVE YOU THE TEST. YOU PASSED."

"What test?"

"WELL, I TOLD YOU THE YOU WERE-"

"No one told me about any test! Are ya tryin' to confuse me or somethin'?" Strago interrupted.

"NO… ER… WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO ONE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TEST? YOU WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT!"

Strago shook his head in disappointment. "I don't understand you young people. Always going on about things that never happened." He then noticed that the door was open. "Good talking to you." He then began to make his way for the exit.

"BUT…" The voice sighed. "NEVER MIND…"

* * *

**The Room of the Monk**

A headless teddy bear sitting upon a pedestal was the single defining feature of Sabin's room. The monk quickly realized what he was about to face. "Oh hey! It's Mr. Fluff, my old teddy bear! Wow, it's been a while since I've seen him. How'd you find him?"

"WHEN YOU'RE A BEING WITH SUCH POWER AS I CONTROL," the voice responded, "IT'S NOT AS DIFFICULT AS YOU MIGHT THINK. NOW, I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TASK IS NOW."

Sabin looked at the bear, seeming slightly confused. "Actually, no. I don't really know what you want me to do. Honestly, I was expecting something a little more life-changing than this. Though this bear _does_ bring back a lot of memories."

The voice was somewhat irritated by this. "YOU… YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW? IT WASN'T ALL THAT LONG AGO THAT YOU WERE NEARLY CRYING OVER THIS… YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING AMENDS WITH THE BEAR. YOU KNOW, FOR PUNCHING HIM SO HARD HIS HEAD EXPLODED."

It took a moment for Sabin to realize what the voice was talking about. "Oh, I get it," the monk said, chuckling at the voice's apparent mistake, "you must be thinking back to when I was out of character."

There was a long silence before the voice spoke again. "_WHAT?_" it asked with an icy hiss.

"Back when I was out of character," Sabin replied. "You see, at the beginning of this adventure, I was completely out of character. More recently, I'm at least a little more in character than before. This challenge would have been life-changing for the out of character Sabin, but not me."

This news did not please the voice at all. "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES TO PLAN THESE CHALLENGES? DO YOU? NO? WELL THIS ONE TOOK ME _SEVEN CENTURIES! SEVEN!_ YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I WASTED _SEVEN CENTURIES_ PERFECTING A TEST FOR YOU THAT DOESN'T EFFECT YOU IN THE SLIGHEST?"

"Um, yeah, kind of…" Sabin answered. It made him feel bad to tell the voice this, but it _was _the truth. "Sorry about that… Is there anything I can do to help?"

The voice sighed. There wasn't really. Obviously, there was no time to come up with a new test. He couldn't just keep the monk hostage while the world above them burned. Finally, the voice said, "COULD YOU JUST PRETEND TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS? FOR MY SAKE?"

Sabin looked over at the Mr. Fluff and said, "Yeah, I guess if it makes you feel better, it's the least I can do." Then, striking an overly dramatic pose, he called out in his best overly dramatic voice, "So we meet again Mr. Fluff! It hath been many a year. Every moment of every day I think about and regret the sins I hath committed against thee. Never shalt I know the warm, ever-loving embrace of forgiveness, for the weight of my sins drags me to the depths of-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS," the voice interrupted. "JUST GO."

Sabin looked up to where he thought that the voice was coming from. "You sure? I could try it again but with a Narshen accent this time."

"NO. JUST GO." With that, the exit door opened, and Sabin was free to go.

* * *

**The Room of the Engineer**

Edgar entered his room and looked around. All he noticed was that there was a small ledge with a chest on it, as well as a door on the opposite side of the room, which he assumed was the exit. "HELLO KING EDGAR," the voice boomed. "YOUR TEST IS ACTUALLY A RATHER SIMPLE ONE. YOU SEE, THE EXIT IS ALREADY UNLOCKED. YOU JUST HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR. THE DOOR WILL LOCK BEHIND YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE, AND YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO ENTER AGAIN."

Edgar seemed surprised by this. "Oh, really?" he said. "Well… er… thanks?"

"THERE IS ONE CATCH THOUGH," the voice added, "YOU CANNOT BRING WHATEVER IS IN THAT CHEST WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE."

Edgar, who had at that moment been devising a way to get to the chest, stopped mid-thought. "What?" he asked. "You're asking me to leave… without the chest?" If that was true, then he was being told to do the unthinkable. You couldn't go through a dungeon this way. A dungeon wasn't complete until you had obtained _all_ of the items inside, especially if they were in a chest that was sitting right in front of you.

"EXACTLY," the voice responded.

The engineer's eyes widened. "But, but, but-" he stuttered, "what if there's something really powerful in there?"

"THEN YOU CAN'T LEAVE THIS ROOM WITH IT."

Edgar's mind raced, trying to think of a way around the voice's unreasonable request. Then something came to him. "I can still open the chest, right?" he asked.

"CORRECT. YOU MAY OPEN THE CHEST, BUT YOU CANNOT LEAVE THIS ROOM WITH WHATEVER IS INSIDE OF THE CHEST."

"Oh thank goodness," Edgar sighed in relief. It was probably a potion or something anyways. Or he at least hoped that it was something useless like that. "Now how do I get up there?" he asked himself.

"WELL YOU COULD CLIMB," the voice said as though it were obvious. "THE LEDGE IS HARDLY THREE FEET ABOVE THE GROUND. YOU WOULD HAVE MORE TROUBLE CLIMBING ONTO A DINNER TABLE."

The engineer laughed at the suggestion. "Climb? Are you serious?" he asked, amused. "That's got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Besides, I can see a door behind the chest, so there's definitely another way up there." If the voice had a hand and a face, the palm of said hand would have smacked loudly against the face at that moment.

The next hour consisted of King Edgar scouring the room for a secret passage, then following that passage through five floors of monster-infested dungeon while solving a puzzle involving three buttons, a lake of lava, and a head of lettuce (which turned into a mini-boss upon the completion of the puzzle), and finally finding the door that led to the ledge with the chest. He ran over to it to claim his prize. Within was a pair of boots, and a tag attached to it that showed its name and stats. "Velocitron Boots? Huh, that's an interesting name," he remarked. "Oh cool, they have a five percent chance of casting Poisona on the wearer! And its armor rating is two more than the boots I'm currently wearing! Jackpot baby!" He began doing a victory dance as he imagined the great things he could accomplish with a +2 to his armor rating and the chance to occasionally cast Poisona.

"ARE YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?" the voice asked.

"No, I… oh crap…" the engineer realized. "Oh come on, you can't make me drop them now! If I do, I'll never be able to pick them up again; no one will! That would be a waste of a perfectly good pair of Velocitron Boots."

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN THE CHEST," the voice reminded Edgar, "BUT OF COURSE YOU DID. NOW YOU HAVE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES."

"But… but… the +2 armor! I could solo the Soul Shrine with +2 to my armor rating! And Poisona! We can't use magic anymore, so what if we _really_ needed to use Poisona?"

The voice sighed. "IF YOU CAN TELL ME ONE SCENARIO WHERE YOU WOULD REALLY NEED TO CAST POISONA, I'LL LET YOU OUT OF HERE WITH THE BOOTS. OTHERWISE, SUCK IT UP AND DROP THEM, OR YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE HERE."

Edgar paused, trying to think of any possible time that Poisona could be useful. "Well… what if… er… what if we desperately needed to be healed from poison!"

"IF YOU NEED HEALING FROM POISON THAT BADLY, THEN YOU SHOULD GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO MOUNT KOLTZ AND TRAIN BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT EXISTING."

Edgar had to concede there; the last time that poison was even a remotely relevant status effect was back when Figaro was still allied with the Empire (and also when affected by poison and the six hundred other status effects that come with a malboro's bad breath, though poisona was generally not the remedy of choice for such a situation). He looked at the boots and sighed. There was no way to convince the voice otherwise. With heavy heart, he dropped the boots, and watched as they dissolved into thin air. "THERE YOU GO. SEE? IT WASN'T THAT HARD. YOU NEVER NEEDED THE BOOTS, YOU JUST WANTED THEM TO OPTIMIZE YOUR GEAR. BUT IN THE END, WHAT'S THE POINT OF OPTIMIZING YOUR GEAR IF IT HALTS YOUR CONTINUATION IN THE STORY?"

Edgar thought on this. "You're right," he said, "there isn't really a point. If you're going to periodically halt the story just to gain a few combat bonuses, then what's the point of the story?" He thought back to recently, when he had convinced the party to obtain three more celestriads than was necessary. Then he realized that that was ridiculous even from an optimization standpoint: magic no longer existed, so casting spells for only 1 MP wasn't really a concern when you couldn't actually cast spells in the first place.

"NOW YOU GET IT! GO FORTH WITH YOUR NEW KNOWLEDGE. YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST." With that, Edgar left.

* * *

**The Room of the Assassin**

Shadow's eyelid twitched visibly. "You're insane," was all he said. In the center of the room there was what looked like the makings of a bonfire, and within that a tall wooden stake stuck out in the center. Tied to that stake was a creature, whose face was familiar face to Shadow. There was no denying it; the creature that hung there was Maxwell: one of his stuffed, plushie moogles.

"WHAT? IT'S NOT THAT HARD," the Voice argued. "YOU'RE AN ASSASSIN! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN DEATH A HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE."

The assassin grunted. "But this is pointless. When I deal death there is a contract and a payment involved. This is just… unnecessary." He sighed, looking at his beloved plushie. "Besides, it's just a stuffed moogle." It hurt him to say that, and if he could get Maxwell out of this, he promised himself that he would apologize. "What do you have to gain?"

"I AM VIRTUALLY A GOD," the Voice explained, "AND YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND THE EXTENT OF MY INNER WORKINGS. THE DESTRUCTION OF THIS MOOGLE IS NECESSARY AND YOU MUST BE HERE TO WATCH IT. ANYWAYS, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, FOR WATCHING THE MOOGLE BURN, YOU'LL HAVE THE PAYMENT OF SUCCESS IN THIS CHALLENGE. I CAN EVEN MAKE UP A CONTRACT IF YOU WANT."

"No, that won't be necessary," he practically spat. This wouldn't be as easy as he thought. He had almost laughed when he heard about the challenges, assuming that there was absolutely no way that this voice could get underneath his skin. His moogle collection wasn't even considered. _No one_ knew about them! They were supposed to be safe!

The assassin couldn't give up though. He had gotten out of sticky situations before. He could manage to get through this with his dignity intact. It wasn't like this voice was _really_ getting under his skin anyways. It was just that Shadow found this odd and nonsensical. In any case, all he had to do was watch the moogle plushie burn. If he wanted a new one, he could get one; it wasn't like this plushie was limited edition (like Alan and Wilhelmina were). Its existence was like a human life; there was no shortage of either. A thousand could be snuffed out and destroyed and there would still be plenty of other nearly identical ones to replace them. Both human lives and moogle plushies were still being manufactured by the thousands, so why should he care about just one?

A small flame began in the wooden structure and it didn't take long to spread. The flames climbed higher and higher until their tips were nearly at the moogle's feet. Then something in Shadow's mind snapped. This _wasn't_ just like every other moogle plushie. There _weren't_ thousands of identical moogle plushies being manufactured. In fact, this was one of the rarest plushies in existence because there was only one. Collector's value be damned, there was only one Maxwell the Moogle.

Shadow sprang into action, pulling six water scrolls from his belt, breaking the seals, and tossing them towards the flames. He began to run alongside the massive wave that the scrolls had produced while flashing a series of subtle hand signals to Interceptor. Then he pulled a shuriken from his belt and threw it similarly to a person skipping rocks, so it glided on the surface of the wave. Jumping, and then using his gliding shuriken as a stepping-stone to increase the height and distance of his jump, Shadow grabbed onto one of the chamber's walls and pushed himself off of it and went into a mid-air backflip. While flipping, he drew the Ragnarok sword he had obtained from Cid and tossed it towards the plushie like a boomerang. At this point, the massive wave hit the bonfire's structure, causing a burst of steam from the dousing flames and knocking the wooden structure over. As the stake holding Maxwell fell, Ragnarok cut through the moogle's bonds and casted Flare. The force of the explosion sent Maxwell flying through the air, directly into the path of a leaping Interceptor's jaws. Shadow's faithful companion then calmly brought the unharmed plushie back to his master, as though the previous event were an uninteresting everyday occurrence.

"YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED YOU KNOW," the voice said after a few moments. "IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER AND RESULTED IN INFINITELY LESS WATER DAMAGE."

Shadow snorted in amusement. "You really take me to be such a boring man? Consider the water damage to be my revenge." Putting on a serious face, the assassin continued, "Now let me out of here, I need to tell the rest of my companions that I failed the test so they can stop wasting their time."

"ACTUALLY, NO, YOU PASSED THE TEST. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE MOOGLE, DESPITE WHAT I TOLD YOU EARLIER. PRETTY CLEVER, DON'T YOU THINK?"

"No, not really," he said, not skipping a beat. "It's actually pretty unoriginal if you ask me."

"OH COME ON! THAT WAS A VALID TEST AND YOU KNOW IT. IT'S NOT LIKE US GOD-LIKE VOICES ARE EVEN GRADED ON OUR ORIGINALITY! JERK." An annoyed atmosphere began to settle in the room. "YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS PLANNING ON RETURNING TO MOOGLE TO WHERE I FOUND IT FOR YOU, BUT JUST FOR THAT, NOW I WON'T."

"Fine by me," Shadow remarked. "I wouldn't trust you with Maxwell anyways. You _are _the one who just tried to set him on fire." He began looking for a place on his person where the moogle could be hidden, and then frowned.

"ARE YOU REGRETTING THE SKIN-TIGHT NINJA OUTFIT RIGHT ABOUT NOW?" the voice asked snidely.

"Shut up. Just… shut up."

* * *

_Remember, the conclusion to the Cave of Great Trials will be posted within two weeks. I hope you're ready because it's going to be… relatively the same in terms of humor as this one was. In any case, you might enjoy it._

_Please review if you have the time._


	7. The Cave of Great Trials: Part 3

_I'm just going to take this moment to mention how much I loved writing as the character of the God-Like Voice. I'd say that about half of his lines are his character, while the other half are just my own commentary (particularly in this chapter). It's sort of disappointing that I can't really use him any more after this chapter…_

_Anyways, onto the pulse-pounding conclusion to the Cave of Great Trials! Will Setzer, Gogo, Umaro, Gau, and Terra be able to complete their trials? Will the God-Like Voice have the patience to not kill them all? Will this all be worth it for the poor audience members who had to wait more than a year for this damn thing? All will be revealed to you momentarily._

_As always, I must extend my thanks to my beta, Shadow's Interceptor (who is very close to finishing her story 'Of Sketchpads and Shadows,' which you should read if you haven't yet, especially if you like Shadow and Relm). I must also thank the very loyal SageQuill and Kein Sylvan for their kind reviews. You're all awesome!_

_I don't own Final Fantasy or its characters or places._

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Cave of Great Trials: Part 3**

**The Room of the Gambler**

"Alright, give me your bloody test and get us out of here," Setzer snapped as soon as he entered his chamber. "I've just been struck by lightning twice and I'm really not in the mood for any of your crap."

"THE LIGHTNING WAS YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW. BOTH TIMES. AND JUST AS A REMINDER, I CAN HIT YOU WITH IT AGAIN AT ANY TIME."

Setzer gritted his teeth and growled slightly. "Fine then, I'll play by your rules. But please, make it snappy."

Seemingly pleased by this, the voice continued. "GOOD! NOW YOU'RE IN LUCK, YOUR TEST CAN BE VERY QUICK IF YOU WISH IT TO BE SO. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY THAT YOU'RE SORRY."

The gambler paused, and then frowned. "Come again?" he asked.

"JUST SAY THAT YOU'RE SORRY."

"Sorry for what?!" he shouted to the voice in an irritated tone. "What the hell have I done to you? I've got no bloody reason to apologize!"

"WELL, YOU'VE BEEN RATHER RUDE TO ME," the voice remarked, "BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, IT'S MORE OF AN APOLOGY IN GENERAL."

"This has got to be the stupidest goddamn life-changing trial I've ever participated in," he said in disbelief. "Me, who has done nothing but offer my companions aid; I've flown them around the world several hundred times over, got my first airship _destroyed_ for them, _and_ am the only reason that we were even able to get to _face_ _and defeat_ Kefka. After all of that, you think that I should be _apologizing?_"

"ALRIGHT, ADMITTEDLY THIS ISN'T THE BEST TRIAL THAT I'VE EVER COME UP WITH," the voice conceded, "BUT STILL. I'M SURE YOU CAN THINK OF SOMETHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. HERE, I'LL EVEN GIVE YOU SOME IDEAS: CHEATING YOUR WAY OUT OF VIRTUALLY ANYTHING, KIDNAPPING RANDOM WOMEN IN THE MIDDLE OF OPERAS-"

"Hey! That only happened on five different occasions! The other eight times I kidnapped random men."

"-ABSOLUTELY REFUSING TO WASH YOUR OWN DISHES, INSISTING ON WEARING THAT AWFUL COAT, AND GENERALLY BEING AN ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU. PICK ANY OR ALL OF THOSE."

Setzer thought for some time on this. Sure, he could _say_ that he was sorry, but was he really? Did any of the things that the voice mentioned really matter to him? Setzer Gabbiani was known to be a gambler and an occasional cheater, but _never_ a liar. If he were taken for a liar, who would believe his magnificent and totally unembellished stories? No, he would not make himself a liar, and could not apologize for anything he wasn't actually sorry for.

"I'll tell you what," the gambler said as he fished a coin out of one of his coat pockets, "how about we strike a little deal? I'll flip this here coin, and if it lands on tails, I'll go ahead and apologize. If it lands on heads though…" a small smile split his face, "you consider the trial completed and let me go free."

The voice was silent for several seconds. "YOU KNOW THAT I CAN ALTER PHYSICS SO THAT YOUR COIN IS GUARANTEED TO LAND ON WHICHEVER SIDE I WANT IT TO, RIGHT?"

Setzer laughed. "Then you shouldn't have anything to worry about! So what do you say?"

Again, there was silence as the voice thought through the decision. "FINE, WE HAVE A DEAL." Setzer whooped with excitement and was just about to flip the coin when the voice interrupted him. "_BUT_ WE'RE SWITCHING IT UP. HEADS MEANS THAT YOU APOLOGIZE, AND TAILS MEANS THAT YOU GO FREE."

The gambler paused, and his eyes widened. "Oh… er… yeah. Yeah, of course that's fine! Great! Just great. Best deal I've ever made…" He gulped, closed his eyes, and then finally tossed the coin into the air. It flipped slowly and dramatically through the air before finally landing with a metallic thud.

There was a silent and tense moment as Setzer leaned over to look at the coin. "Oh hey, what do you know? Tails. Open the door buddy."

"WHA… **WHAT?!**" the voice shouted in disbelief. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE… THERE'S NO WAY!"

"Doesn't seem like that's the case," Setzer said. "See? Tails."

The coin had, in fact, landed tails up. "BUT… BUT… BUT THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE! I MADE IT SO THAT A FAIR COIN WAS GUARANTEED TO LAND HEADS UP, BUT I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD CHEAT AND USE-"

At this point the gambler burst out laughing. It took a while before he could compose himself enough to speak. "Oh? You thought I was going to use a coin with two heads? Ha! You don't know me nearly as well as you think you do!" This caused him to once again double over in laughter. "The two headed coin is _Edgar's_ thing, not mine! If I used it, it would be unoriginal. No, this coin has two _tails!_ Ignore the fact that I got the idea from him. Also, that whole nervous thing I did before the flip? It was all a part of the bluff." Another fit of laughter overcame him at this time.

"YOU… YOU CHEATED!"

Setzer wagged his finger at the voice and said, "No, no I didn't! I never said that I'd use a fair coin, I said that I'd use _this _coin. You just didn't realize that there was no possible way that you could lose. Well, that is until you shifted the odds and made it so there was no possible way that you could win! Now open up, we've got a hijacked castle to save."

It was clear that the voice was extremely displeased by this, though the door on the other side still opened. "I HATE YOU," the voice hissed.

"The feeling's mutual, my friend," Setzer responded. He was at the mouth of the exit when he suddenly stopped. He now had the opportunity to become the ultimate asshole. It would require a little bit of a lie, but the amusement it would bring him would be completely worth it. Setzer turned back and flashed a mischievous smile. "By the way," he said, "sorry about that." A bolt of lightning propelled him the rest of the way through the door.

* * *

**The Room of the Mime**

Gogo leapt into a roll as soon as he entered the room, and rose holding a replica of Edgar's infamous noiseblaster, then sounded it in order to disorient his foes. Reaching into his robes, he pulled out a katana, closed his eyes and concentrated, and then unleashed a flurry of calculated strikes in a technique that he had seen Cyan use. As a grand finale, Gogo grabbed a paintbrush and painted a picture of a butterfly before throwing his most powerful shurikens at his foes. It was only at this time that the mime realized that these opponents didn't actually exist, so he lowered his weapons.

"I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU'D REALIZE THAT THERE WASN'T ACTUALLY ANYTHING TO FIGHT…" the voice said. "IT TOOK LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. ANYWAYS, YOUR TEST. THIS ACTUALLY ISN'T A PHYSICAL TEST AT ALL; THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE, YOU SEE, AND THE BUDGET FOR GOD-LIKE VOICES THIS CENTURY IS LOWER THAN IT'S EVER BEEN. AFTER HIRING A SHAPESHIFTER, REMODELING A DUNGEON, AND CALLING A SOUL FROM THE AFTERLIFE, I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH TO WORK WITH.

"SO, FOR YOUR TEST, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE YOURSELF." The voice became quiet, and allowed that to sink in for a moment.

Gogo was taken aback. "Be… myself?" he asked, his voice mimicking Celes. "That's… that's a new one." He was used to people asking him to do impressions, though no one had _ever_ asked him to be himself! Did he even remember how it was to not be a mime? Was there a time when he wasn't a mime? He hadn't the slightest idea.

At this point, he decided to reason through this out loud. "So," he began, now imitating the Ultima Weapon, "you want me to be myself. Now as I'm sure you are aware, I can imitate anyone and anything, though I would assume that you would not classify any of those as 'myself.'"

"GOOD, GOOD. YOU SEEM TO BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK," the voice encouraged.

"That would lead me to believe-" he continued, this time in the voice of Cultist #3 from the Cult of Kefka, "-that what you are looking for is the person that I was from before becoming a mime. However, if I chose to do that, then I would be assuming that you think that a person cannot change over time, which I believe to be false."

"YEAH, I… GUESS YOU HAVE A POINT THERE. THOUGH I'D STILL ACCEPT IT IF YOU STUCK WITH YOURSELF BEFORE THE MIME. IT SOUNDS EASIER THAN WHATEVER YOU SEEM TO BE TRYING."

"Mimicry is a part of my life," Gogo proclaimed, imitating the Midgar Zolom (which is a creature that not only never developed fully functional vocal chords, but also doesn't even exist in this universe), "to say that it is not a part of myself would be a lie. But again, any one of my impressions would never satisfy the qualifications for this test." He sighed, and closed his eyes. Then it hit him. The answer was clear now. "Any… _one_… of my impressions. Each impression is distinct but not truly me. It takes different pieces of myself, but none of them are _me_. If I want to be myself, I need to do all of my impressions."

"NOW HOLD ON, THAT COULD TAKE QUITE A LONG TIME…"

"I need to do all of them simultaneously."

This statement took the voice by surprise. "WAIT, WHAT? OH CRAP, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO-"

Finally, in a voice that Gogo himself could not remember its origin, he whispered dramatically, "In order to pass this test, I need… I need to…" In a jerk, his eyes opened wide, emitting a white-hot light. In the voice of the God-Like Voice, he shouted, "I MUST BECOME **EVERYTHING!**"

"OH SHIT!" the voice cried out.

The entire room began to tremble and a swirling wind started that centered around Gogo. At this point a choir spontaneously materialized at one corner of the room and began singing dramatically in Latin. The mime was slowly lifted into the air by the wind, now with his entire body beginning to glow. The torches in the room lost their flames suddenly as their energy was absorbed. The entire room almost seemed to crumble and be drawn into the awesome power that Gogo was exhibiting. In fact, one could almost see the fabric of the universe being torn apart.

"STOP!" the voice shouted. "JUST STOP! YOU'VE PROVEN YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IT, YOU CAN MIMIC ALL OF EXISTENCE. WE REALLY DON'T NEED ANOTHER MULTIVERSE TO BE CREATED WITHIN THIS ONE, SINCE THAT OFTEN RESULTS IN THE COMPLETE ANNIHILATION OF EVERYTHING! YOU PASS THE TEST."

"Oh really?" Gogo said, now in the voice of the innkeeper from Kohlingen. "Alright then." Suddenly, the wind stopped, and the no-longer-glowing mime was lowered to the floor. The dramatic choir seemed disappointed by the interruption. "In that case, have a good day." With that, Gogo left.

"I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS ONE," the voice told the choir.

* * *

**The Room of the Mountain-Born**

_Interesting, _Umaro thought as he entered the room, _exceptionally interesting._ It was amazing that a place such as this one could even exist! If only that voice would reveal the secrets of this dungeon… The world of science could benefit greatly with that knowledge! Alas, he doubted that it would be so.

The room seemed relatively normal, sporting a smooth, dome-like shape and was approximately ten meters in diameter, giving the floor a surface area of approximately 78.54 square meters. On the opposite side of the room was a rather sizable boulder. He found it curious that there didn't appear to be an exit though. Perhaps he was meant to leave through the door he entered from, but that seemed odd.

"AH GOOD, YOU'RE HERE," the voice said. "SORRY FOR THE DELAY, I WAS BUSY KEEPING A HOLE FROM BEING TORN IN THE MULTIVERSE. ANYWAYS, YOUR TEST INVOLVES THAT BOULDER OVER THERE. THE BOULDER INCLUDES A PROBLEM. YOU HAVE TO SOLVE THAT PROBLEM IN ORDER TO LEAVE HERE. I'M BEHIND SCHEDULE, SO I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU WITH JUST THAT. HAVE FUN!"

_A problem?_ Umaro thought. _Well, if there is a problem, then it can be solved, and it can be solved best with logic!_ Such was his new persona. He used to be such a barbaric creature, but after the fall of Kefka, he realized that savagery could only lead to madness and destruction. No, he had to embrace order and civility. From time to time he still gave into his animalistic urges, but he deeply regretted those moments of weakness.

He walked over to the boulder and examined it. It wasn't long until he noticed that there, quite literally, was a problem on the boulder. In fact, the problem seemed to have been carved into the rock itself. It said, "_What is one divided by zero?_"

Umaro snickered, realizing the simplicity of this problem. No number could be divided by zero! It was impossible. Digging out a chisel that was hidden within his fur, he carved directly below the question, "_Undefined,_" and waited for the exit to reveal itself. Nothing happened. He waited some more. Still nothing. Somewhat annoyed, he went over to the door he had entered from and tried opening it, though it did not budge. At this, the yeti grunted loudly, hoping that this would summon the voice.

"OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE?" the voice said as it returned. "ER… NO, THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM. TRY AGAIN."

_What?!_ Umaro thought in shock. _That's impossible! A number _cannot_ be divided by zero! Unless…_ Then it hit him. Hadn't the voice said before that it was from a long-forgotten age? What if that civilization had figured out the secrets of zero? What if his test was to discover those secrets?! A feeling of dread crept into his heart, but this was followed by intense determination. He _had_ to unveil the secrets. His companions depended on it.

The gears of his mind began to turn. To solve this, he had to access _all_ of his knowledge. He thought, and he thought. Theories and equations raced through his head, but they all arrived at the same conclusion, the same dead end: A number _cannot_ be divided by zero; there is no answer! _This is ridiculous!_ he roared in his mind. _This simply can't be done! I hate this stupid rock and its stupid problem!_ He stopped himself though. Rage clouded the mind, and blocked rationality. Without those, he would never get through this challenge, so he took some time to take a couple of deep breaths, and continued to think.

This time, he used his chisel to take notes on the boulder. This seemed to help, and he finally felt like he was getting somewhere. Before long, the entire boulder was filled with these notes. The answer was close now, Umaro could feel it! His mind seemed to be working on its own now, his chisel moving freely. Finally, he got there. He knew that the answer was there, right under his nose. He sighed, and opened his eyes to see what mystery he had revealed. Underneath his chisel was a single, life-altering word:

_Undefined._

Fury welled up in the heart of the yeti. All of that work, just to end up with the same answer he had started with?! No, that couldn't be it. He would not settle for this! His hand twitched, and then Umaro lost himself. His mind became an incomprehensible stream of colors and flashes. His body rampaged.

When he finally calmed down, there was no longer a boulder, but instead there were hundreds of much smaller rocks scattered across the room. Where the boulder used to be was now an open door. "THERE YOU GO," the voice said, "PROBLEM SOLVED. YOU'RE FREE TO GO."

This surprised Umaro, but then he thought about it. Maybe… maybe uncivilized methods weren't so bad after all. Perhaps there really was a time and place for everything, even savagery. It at least seemed to work well when your problem was a giant boulder blocking your door. He grunted in approval, then strode through the door.

* * *

**The Room of the Wild Boy**

"Also ich vermute, dass das ist, wo ich den Test?" Gau asked as he walked into his room.

"OH SHOOT, I'VE BEEN DREADING THIS TRIAL," the voice admitted. "I KNEW THAT I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED MY GERMAN MORE AND NOT JUST CRAMMED THE DECADE BEFOREHAND. OH WELL, TOO LATE NOW."

Gau looked around the room for anything that might indicate what the test would be, but could find nothing. It was just a dome with torches placed along the walls. There was nothing really special about it. "Ich weiß wirklich nicht, was du mir zu tun," Gau confessed. "Was ist das-"

"QUIET!" the voice interrupted, "WE HAVE A TRIAL TO GET TO! WHICH I REALLY SHOULD HAVE PUT MORE THOUGHT INTO… WHY DID I DECIDE TO MAKE YOUR TRIAL VERBAL INSTEAD OF PHYSICAL?"

Gau cocked his head in confusion. "Ist das wirklich ein Problem?" he asked. "Sind Sie nicht extrem leistungsfähig? Ich würde denken, dass man eine Sprache verstehen."

"WHATEVER YOU'RE SAYING, IT'S NOT MAKING ANY SENSE," the voice stated. "ANYWAYS, THIS IS LESS OF A TRIAL AND MORE OF A CURIOSITY OF MINE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW, WHY AND HOW IS YOUR 'CAT SCRATCH' ABILITY SO POWERFUL? I MEAN, YOU LEARN IT FROM A STRAY CAT; THOSE AREN'T EXACTLY THE MOST DEADLY CREATURES OF ALL TIME."

Gau couldn't help but laugh. "Ist das wirklich alles? Nun, es ist eigentlich ganz einfach. es -"

"HOLD ON, WOULD YOU MIND STARTING AGAIN, BUT SLOWER THIS TIME? I MIGHT BE ABLE TO CATCH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THEN."

"Okay," Gau said. "Wie ich schon sagte, ist es eigentlich ziemlich einfach. Es ist diese gigantische -"

"HM… VERY INTERESTING," the voice commented.

This caused Gau to pause. "Warten Sie, die Sie wirklich keine Ahnung, was ich sagen haben, tun Sie?"

Oblivious to the question, the voice continued, "YES, YES, JUST AS I THOUGHT. GO ON."

The wild boy frowned at this. Then he sighed, and decided to confirm whether or not his question was indeed the truth. "Das Reich der Wasserbüffel werden die Welt übernehmen. Sie können nur durch den sechseinhalb Helden, die mit der Liga der Verlierer und einer Armee von verbündeten Kätzchen sind angehalten werden."

"I THINK THAT I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND NOW."

"Die Wasserbüffel Führer, Jimbo die Savage, wird verraten und von dem König der Gestaltwandler, Lord Crodjoolus gestürzt werden. Diese Gestaltwandler wird später am Ende von der unteren Hälfte eines toten Menschen getötet."

"OH DAMMIT, I CAN'T KEEP UP THIS CHARADE ANY LONGER!" the voice shouted in frustration. "YOU KNOW WHAT, NEW TRIAL. JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT I UNDERSTAND. ANYTHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING, AS LONG AS I UNDERSTAND IT."

Pleased with himself, Gau smirked. "Fine then, do you understand English?" he asked.

"WHY YES, ACTUALLY I… WAIT… _WHEN DID YOU START SPEAKING ENGLISH?!_" the voice bellowed. "FOR THAT MATTER, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT IT'S CALLED ENGLISH? THERE'S NO ENGLAND HERE."

Gau's smirk only widened at this. "I've known English for as long as I've known German. I just never let anyone know because they've never asked. And I think I read the name 'English' in a book somewhere."

"…YOU CAN READ?"

Rolling his eyes, Gau answered, "Not everything that lives on the Veldt is a savage creature. After Kefka was defeated, I decided to hang out with some of the less-savage monsters and they taught me a thing or two about language."

The voice imagined himself blinking in surprise. "OH, WELL FAIR ENOUGH. YOU'RE FREE TO GO."

But before he left, Gau had a single request. "Would you mind not telling anyone about this? It really seems to annoy Setzer that he can't understand me, which I find funny."

"ANYTHING TO PISS THAT MAN OFF IS FINE BY ME. YOUR SECRET IS SAFE."

The wild boy smiled, "Great, thanks!" And with that, Gau proceeded to the exit, turning back only to wave and say, "Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Sprach!"

**Bonus Material: Translation of Gau's lines**

"So I am guessing that this is where I take the test?"

"I don't really know what you want me to do. What is this-"

"Is that really a problem? Aren't you extremely powerful? I would think that you could understand any language."

"Is that really all? Well it is actually pretty simple. There is-"

"Okay. Like I said, it is actually pretty simple. There is this gigantic-"

"Wait, you really don't have any idea what I'm saying, do you?"

"The empire of the water buffalo will take over the world. They can only be stopped by the six and a half heroes, who are allied with the League of Losers and an army of kittens."

"The water buffalo leader, Jimbo the Savage, will be betrayed and overthrown by the king of the shapeshifters, Lord Crodjoolus. This shapeshifter will later end up being killed by the bottom half of a dead human."

"Goodbye, Master Voice!"

* * *

**The Room of the Magic Soul**

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO MAKE THE INTRODUCTIONS TO THESE CHALLENGES INTERESTING?" the god-like voice complained.

Terra was startled by this sudden outburst. "Um… no," she admitted. "No I don't. I can't even remember what 'interesting' is… Sorry, is that a bad thing?"

The voice sighed and collected itself. "NO, IT'S NOT A BAD THING. I'M SORRY; I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN IT OUT ON YOU. IT'S JUST FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO MIX UP THE FORMULA, BUT IT'S DIFFICULT WHEN YOU ESSENTIALLY HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING FOR _THIRTEEN_ DIFFERENT CHARACTERS. NO MATTER WHAT I DO, IT JUST ENDS UP BEING BORING AND REPETITIVE."

"Aw, I'm sure that it's not as bad as you think it is," Terra said sympathetically. "You don't have to be so ecstatic about it."

"ER… ECSTATIC?"

Terra cocked her head in confusion. "Yeah, ecstatic. Like annoyed or frustrated or something."

"UM, NO, THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY WHAT ECSTATIC MEANS. GOOD TRY THOUGH."

Terra's blushed in embarrassment. "Oh… It sounds like that's what it should mean though… Anyways, my point still stands. If it makes you feel better, I don't think that you're being boring and repetitive!"

Again, the voice sighed. "I APPRECIATE YOUR WORDS, BUT YOU HAVEN'T HAD TO SIT THROUGH THIRTEEN OF THESE. I DON'T MIND THE BORINGNESS OF IT ALL, BUT EVERYONE ELSE…"

"Everyone else?"

"NEVER MIND THAT," the voice said, trying to redirect the conversation, "WE'VE WASTED TOO MUCH TIME ALREADY. WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR IS THE TRIAL, AND FOR THAT, I HAVE A SINGLE QUESTION FOR YOU: WHAT IS LOVE?"

Terra paused, opened her mouth to speak, and then shut it. This wasn't the sort of trial that she was expecting. It seemed so simple, but so impossible at the same time. Because of her friends, she understood love, and she could feel love. However, love is such a complex phenomenon, that she wasn't sure if she could _explain_ what it was. She couldn't give up though. Her friends were depending on her!

If the voice had a face, it would have winced in pain as it suddenly realized how unbearably cliché this trial had become.

The young half-esper closed her eyes tight as she thought hard about the question. Something came to her, though it was a long shot. "Um… baby, don't hurt me?"

"NO! GOD NO!" the voice yelled. "WE'VE HAD FAR TOO MUCH FOURTH-WALL BREAKAGE IN THIS TRIAL ALREADY!"

Terra cowered slightly. Strike one.

She thought it over more carefully, and another idea came to her. Again, it was a long shot, but she had to try. "I don't really know how to explain it in words, but could I hug you or something?"

The voice actually laughed at this. "I AM A METAPHYSICAL AND ALL-POWERFUL BEING THAT YOUR FEEBLE MIND HAS EXTREME DIFFICULTY COMPREHENDING. I HAVE NO PHYSICAL FORM, SO NO, YOU CANNOT HUG ME. EVEN IF YOU COULD, A HUG IS MEANINGLESS. YOU COULD HUG A PERSON YOU HATE, AND THAT WOULD NOT REPRESENT LOVE IN THE SLIGHTEST."

She had to admit that that was a good point. Strike two.

This was it, her last chance. She wasn't sure why she thought that it was her last chance, seeing as the voice had never indicated that she only had three guesses, but dammit, the Rule of Three was too powerful to ignore! Even so, she was lost. She had nothing. She had even begun to doubt that she had ever known what love was in the first place. There was one last idea in her head: to think back to the first time after her imprisonment when she felt love. How had it happened? Why had it happened? What made it so different than not feeling love?

Then it hit her. It hit Terra so hard, that she was surprised that she hadn't been knocked backwards. Her eyes lit up, and she smiled. Confidently, she yelled out, "Love is General Leo!"

Then there was silence in the room. It seemed to last forever, until the voice finally spoke. "UM… NO. GENERAL LEO IS NOT LOVE. THAT'S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD TO BE HONEST. HE… WAS AN ACTUAL PERSON, NOT AN ABSTRACT CONCEPT."

"No no no!" Terra protested. "You're taking it too literally! Um… 'literally' is the word I'm looking for, right?"

"YES, I BELIEVE SO."

The delight she got from hearing that made her squeal momentarily, but she quickly got back on topic. "I'm not saying that Leo is _literally_ love; that would be silly! I'm saying that he's the best way I can think of to represent love."

This intrigued the voice slightly. "GO ON," it encouraged.

Terra continued excitedly. "Leo had all of the qualities that love should have. He was kind, and he was generous. He was always so determined to do the right thing. He cared about everyone, even about his enemies! He was humble, even when being one of the greatest military minds in the whole world. He was able to make mistakes and learn from them. Most importantly though, even though he is gone, I know that he lives on in all of us, always challenging us to be the best person that we can be. That is who Leo was, and that is what I think love should be."

Silence invaded the room once more, but was soon broken by a sob from the voice. "Are… are you okay?" Terra asked.

"YES," the voice answered between sniffles, "I'M FINE, I THINK. JUST… YOU PASSED. GOOD… GOOD JOB."

* * *

**The Final Chamber**

"Still worth it," Setzer managed to say as his body twitched and smoked. The rest of the doors opened and his companions strode out, some looking proud, some looking confused, and Shadow looking like he was trying hide something. When they all realized that everyone had apparently made it through, excitement and celebration spread throughout the room.

"S-Setzer!" Terra cried out as she ran over to make sure he was okay. "What happened to you?"

A small smile cracked the gambler's lips, and he chuckled. "I bluffed a god," he said weakly, clearly pleased with himself, "and I won." That prompted yet another bolt of lightning to shut him up.

"Hey Shadow," Relm inquired with a curious look on her face, "what's that big lump underneath your clothes? I don't think that it was there before." She pointed at the rather large and obvious bulge in the assassin's outfit that he was clearly trying to hide.

Shadow froze, and his eyes showed panic for a moment. Almost instantly though, they returned to their normal state. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said calmly.

"That big lump!" Relm exclaimed. "How can you not notice it, it's huge! If I didn't know that you were a man, I'd assume that you were pregnant." She thought for a moment, and then added, "You're not pregnant, right?"

The assassin shot a dirty look in her direction and growled, "I. Don't. Know. What. You're. Talking. About."

This caused Relm to pause for a few seconds. "…can I poke it?" she asked.

"No."

"Too bad!" she squeaked as she leapt over and poked the lump. "It's soft!" she gasped. "Why didn't you tell me it was so soft?"

Instinctively, the assassin began to reach for his blowgun. However, he managed to stop himself. Then he merely sighed, and walked away. Relm continued following him around the room to poke the lump.

"AHEM, EXCUSE ME?" the voice called out. "I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL EXCITED TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, BUT MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?" Quickly, everyone calmed down. Setzer remained unconscious and Shadow continued to (unsuccessfully) try to avoid Relm's poking, but the voice decided that it was good enough. "ALRIGHT THEN. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE SURMOUNTED ALL OF THE OBSTACLES THAT WERE IN YOUR PATH. YOU HAVE BEEN TESTED, AND ARE NOW WORTHY. HOWEVER, YOUR CHALLENGE IS NOT OVER. I HAVE _ONE FINAL TEST_ FOR YOU!" At this, the party groaned loudly. "I SHALL CHOOSE A CHAMPION AMONG YOU, AND YOU SHALL HELP THEM TO SUCCEED IN ONE FINAL TASK.

"YOU MUST REALIZE THAT I HAD CHOSEN THIS CHAMPION LONG BEFORE YOU HAD ARRIVED. SINCE THE BEGINNING, I HAVE KNOWN THAT THERE COULD ONLY BE ONE. THE CHAMPION THAT I HAVE CHOSEN IS… MOG! BRING FORTH MOG!"

The room suddenly became awkwardly silent. "Um…" Edgar began.

"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? BRING FORTH MOG!" the voice said impatiently.

"Well, Mog's not here," Edgar told him. "We kind of left him behind a long time ago. And by 'kind of,' I mean that we most definitely, completely left him behind."

Silence again. "YOU MEAN THAT HE HASN'T BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME AND I NEVER NOTICED?"

"That… sounds about right."

"WELL SHIT," the voice said. The group shuffled awkwardly and looked around. "NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

After a moment, Cyan raised his hand and offered a suggestion. "What if thou were to choose another champion? Would that not work?"

Relm stopped her pestering and jumped up excitedly. "Yeah, yeah! Choose another champion! I could do it, you didn't even really give me a test or anything."

"_YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE THAT!_" the voice hissed.

"Oops."

"AND ANYWAYS, THAT WOULDN'T WORK. THE CHALLENGE WAS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR A MOOGLE, WITH THE HELP OF THE REST OF YOU. I CAN'T JUST SUDDENLY MAKE IT FOR A HUMAN!"

"What if you came up with a new test for her," Locke suggested. "Preferably something easy, so that we can all get on with our own business."

The voice took this into consideration as it tried to devise a solution. It couldn't just say that they all failed, that would be a little bit harsh. "FINE," it said finally. "RELM, COME FORTH. I HAVE A DEFAULT TEST THAT I CAN FALL BACK ON. IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO DIFFICULT."

"Yes!" Relm exclaimed. "I'm the champion!"

"YEAH, SURE, NOW HURRY UP. REMEMBER THAT THE REST OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HELP HER IF YOU WANT, THOUGH I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT SHE'LL NEED IT," the voice reminded. Relm approached where the voice seemed to be coming out of and stood with a determined look on her face. "READY?" Relm nodded. "GOOD, LET'S BEGIN: THOSE WHO TAKE THESE TESTS OF FATE MUST ANSWER ME THESE QUESTIONS THREE, ERE THE LAST REWARD RECEIVED."

"Ask me the questions," Relm called defiantly, "I'm not afraid!"

"_WHAT_ IS YOUR NAME?"

"Relm Arrowny!"

"_WHAT_ IS YOUR QUEST?"

"We're trying to get Figaro Castle back!"

"_WHAT_ IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?"

At this, Strago's eyes widened in panic. "Oh no," he whispered.

Relm blinked in surprise. "My… my favorite color?"

"YES, YOUR FAVORITE COLOR. YOU'RE AN ARTIST, SO THAT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD."

Relm shook her head in frustration. "That's just the thing!" she told the voice. "There's so many colors, and I understand them all so well. Each one has a special meaning and I can't just choose one!" She then began a lengthy lecture of all of the colors she could think of and listed their technical properties and unique uses.

Edgar's palm smacked loudly against his forehead. "For the love of Alexander and everything Holy, just pick something!" he yelled. "It's not like the voice _actually_ knows what your favorite color is. Say something random!"

"HE'S RIGHT YOU KNOW," the voice confirmed. "YOU CAN SAY LITERALLY ANYTHING, BE IT A COLOR OR NOT, AND I WILL ACCEPT IT." Relm appeared to ignore them completely as she continued with her ramblings.

"You said that we were allowed to help her," Celes remembered. "Can I just answer for her?"

"SU-"

Relm suddenly spun around with fierce eyes that pierced through Celes's skull. "_No!_" she interrupted. "This is _my_ challenge, and _I'm gonna finish it!_" Immediately, she returned to her discussion of colors.

Defeated, everyone became silent. Relm's discussion had become an internal debate, though she would occasionally make some sort of incomprehensible sound. "I'VE CREATED A MONSTER," the voice stated.

"Yer damn right you have!" Strago yelled. "D'ya have any idea what happened to the last person who asked Relm what her favorite color was?" No one answered, because no one wanted to know.

And so, they were left waiting. Other than the sound of Relm mumbling unintelligibly to herself, the room was silent. Minutes passed by with no obvious progress towards their goal. For the entire party, it was an unending struggle to hold on to the little sanity that they had left.

Suddenly, Relm's head shot up. "Oh! I know!" Relm chirped. "It's green. My favorite color is green."

Everyone looked in Relm's direction in surprise. Even Setzer stirred somewhat. "REALLY, THAT'S IT?" the voice asked. "ALL THAT THOUGHT AND THE COLOR YOU CHOOSE IS JUST… GREEN?"

"Yup, just green," the artist responded. "What did you think that I was going to do something cutesy and go, 'Oh, well my favorite color is Life,' or something like that? No, that's just stupid. My favorite color is green. Deal with it."

There was a few seconds of pause before the voice continued. "GOOD, YOU ALL PASSED. YOU GET THE REWARD, WHICH IS THAT ALL OF YOU CAN USE MAGIC AGAIN AND STUFF. WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE GAMBLER, BECAUSE I HATE HIM. ANYWAYS, IF YOU THINK THAT THERE'S GOING TO SOME COOL LIGHT SHOW AS THE POWER FLOWS BACK INTO YOU, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SORELY DISAPPOINTED. YOU JUST GET IT ALL BACK, PERIOD, END OF STORY."

"Wait," Edgar piped in, "doesn't getting all of our magic back completely ruin the ending of our quest to defeat Kefka?"

"YES, OF COURSE IT DOES, AND NO, I DO NOT CARE. NOW ASK YOUR QUESTION SO I CAN SEND YOU ALL OUT OF HERE."

Without skipping a beat, Setzer sat up and practically screamed, "Where are we gonna find Figaro GODDAMN Castle?!"

"IT'S ON TRIANGLE ISLAND," the voice answered immediately. "NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. HAVE A NICE LIFE. EXCEPT FOR YOU SETZER, YOU CAN GO DIE." Without a moments notice, the entire party was teleported back onto the deck of the _Falcon_. After using their newly returned cure spells to heal Setzer, the airship took off into the sky. Behind the wheel, Setzer smiled, knowing that for perhaps the first time in months, they were doing something productive.

* * *

_And so ends the Cave of Great Trials (took bloody long enough), which apparently now accounts for at least a third of the total writing that I've put on this site (that's excluding the stories I deleted a few months ago though). Hopefully it was worth the wait (it probably wasn't). I also can't promise that you won't have to wait this long for the next chapter as well. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I believe that there will only be two or three more chapters left of this! That means that it should be finished within the next decade or so._

_Another note: if you didn't recognize it, Relm's final challenge is a reference to a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you haven't seen that movie, then you probably don't get the reference, which unfortunately nullifies the joke. Sorry about that; I realize that to some people, it's a very obscure reference, but I couldn't resist adding it once I got the idea._

_Please review if you have the time._


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